Ryan Michele - Wanting You

Grabbing my keys, I ran outside and two doors down to her house. Banging on the door, my heart was beating feverishly. No answer. I slammed the door again with my fist, but nothing.

Running around the house, I peered up at Vann’s window. I’d climbed in it several times, and she always left it unlocked for me. Hoisting myself up, I found it open. Bingo.

Climbing in her room, everything was scattered. There were clothes, books, pictures laying aimlessly on the floor. The closet door was wide open, hangers dangling from the racks.

Shit.

Walking through the house provided the same picture. Everything was out of place and ransacked. If I hadn’t gotten the note from Vann, I would have thought they had been robbed.

She’d really left. Going back into her room, I slowly eased onto the bed. Lowering my head into my hands, a lone tear fell from my eye. She couldn’t have just left me.

Raising my head, I looked up to the ceiling; I thought God really hated me. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong in my life to keep having bad things happen every time I turned around.

Glancing at the dresser, I noticed a bunch of jewelry thrown about. Rifling through it, I didn’t see anything of significance. Looking down, I noticed the top drawer askew and something shiny caught my eye.

Inside was a long, black leather rope chain, and attached to the end was a key—a very old looking key with a long, rounded belly and a lone notch at the end. The top was rounded in several spots in a swirly design.

Reaching in, I picked it up in my palm, the weight of it heavy against my fingers. Clutching onto it for dear life, I wished that Vann would come walking in the room and say it was all a joke. But she never came in.

Eyeing the key, I realized this was the only connection that I had to her now. Slipping the key around my neck, I clutched it to my palm.

And five years later, I could still feel the rope of leather around my neck. Placing my hand on my chest, I could feel the key through my shirt. The rope was very worn since I had yet to take it off.

Heading back into the bar, I set my sights on grabbing Z and getting fuck out of here. Sliding up to him, I said, “Let’s go.” Z was still talking with Kinsley and Sawyer at the bar and, from that damn smile on this face, appeared to be enjoying himself. I wasn’t sure why he did this to himself; he knew these girls were off limits. They were the relationship type and that was not Z or I.

A slight brush of a hand on my arm caught my attention. Sawyer. I smiled politely at her. “Did Vann get in the cab okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry about her. She’s just not herself right now.”

“It’s cool. She told me about it.”

Sawyer’s eyes bore into mine as she whipped her head around. “She told you about him?”

“Yeah.”

“But she knew you a whole five minutes,” she argued.

“Guess I’m easy to talk to.”

Sawyer sat for a bit, staring at me. “Huh. Well, he doesn’t know it, but he did a number on her.”

He did a number on her. What the fuck? I didn’t leave, she fucking did. Shaking my head out of my internal freak out, I focused on Sawyer.

“She said she had to leave.”

“Yeah, not by choice; her mom guilted her into it. She’s a piece of work. She tried to stay with her Grams, but her mom spewed a bunch of shit at her, and she believed it. Hell, she even tried to stay with me.” Turning to look me in the eye, she added, “I’m not sure what she told you, and she just has a lot to get over, but don’t count her out yet.”

Winking at me, she pulled Kinsley back out to the dance floor, leaving Z and me in the wake.

“Let’s go,” I growled.

“We gotta get some first,” Z argued.

“No. Not tonight. Let’s go.” Grabbing his arm, I pulled him to move.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Z barked at me.

“Nothing. Let’s go.” I let anger flow through me. I knew I was radiating some seriously mean vibes. I couldn’t put how I was feeling into words anyway.

“Fuck.” Z finished his drink and followed me out.

The car ride back was quiet, except for the roar of the Camaro engine. My mind replayed the entire conversation with Vann and Sawyer. She was guilted into going? Really?

Climbing out of Vann’s window, I ran. I took off until my body couldn’t move, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I hunched over and leaned against a large oak tree. The run did nothing to clear my mind, though. Did she even know how deep her leaving cut me? Did she even give a shit?

Jaxson left me, and now Vann. What the fuck was wrong with me that everyone I loved left? Tears freefell from my eyes, sadness roaring through me.

That was the last time I cried for Vann, and anger since took over. And I could deal with anger. I joined the gym and took every bit of frustration out on that damn bag, punching it ‘til my hands bled.

I thought I was over this shit.

“You gonna tell me what the hell’s going on?” Z muttered, breaking the silence.

“No.”

“Come on. If you want Vann, go for it.”

“If I wanted her, I would have her underneath me.”

“But instead you’re moping like a pussy.”

My hand instantly wrapped around the arm of his shirt, pulling him tightly. I knew my grip was rough, but I didn’t give a shit. “I’m not a fucking pussy.”

“Dude, chill.” Z didn’t even turn to look at me.

I released him and continued my blank stare out the window.

Waking up this morning sucked, but I needed to write. I had deadlines and they needed to be met. Sitting at my favorite spot on the deck, my hands began to glide over the keyboard.

“Vann!”

“Shit.” My hand fumbled on the keyboard.

“Yeah?” I yelled back at Kinsley.

“Here.” As she handed me a large mug of coffee, the thought crossed my mind to kiss her smack on the lips.

“Thank you. I need this.”

“So, you writing?”

“Was.” I glared at her.

“Sorry. I’m getting bad at that, huh?”

“It’s fine. It’s just something we gotta work out.”

“You know, Gunner was hot.”

Taking a deep breath, I knew this conversation was coming. I’d been trying to avoid it most of the morning. “Yeah, I don’t know what it was about him, but he was really easy to talk to.”

“Maybe you can go out with him sometime,” she suggested, shrugging her shoulders.

I knew she was trying to get me over Deke, but going out with Gunner wasn’t going to happen. “He reminds me too much of Deke.”

Kins’s eyes bore into mine. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Just a vibe I got.”

“No biggie. There are tons of hotties around here.”

I smirked.

Going back to my laptop, writing became difficult as thoughts of Deke continually entered my brain.

* * *

When I talked to Grams on the phone, she was so excited to see me tonight, and I’d admit I was, too. After not seeing her for so long, I felt as if I needed to make up for lost time.

“Grams?”

“Oh, my girl, come give me a hug.” Embracing her and smelling her perfume, I felt as if I was finally home. Dad ruined everything back then and nothing was ever the same.

“Hey Grams. Need any help?”

“Sure thing. Come.” Following Grams down the narrow hallway, the kitchen was singing with pots bubbling and cooking utensils everywhere. Grams always liked to have ‘everything within reach’ when she cooked.

“Here Grams.” I handed her the small tin I held in my hands.

“What’s this?”

“A present.”

Opening the tin, her face lit up as soon as she saw it. “You made me fudge?”

“Of course I did.”

The small tear that wavered in her eye did not escape me, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. “Thank you, my girl.”

“You’re welcome. What do ya need me to do?”

Brushing her hands on her daisy-covered apron, she got down to business. “Start over there with the veggies. Cut them up to go in that big bowl for the salad.”

We worked in silence for some time, the only sound filling the kitchen was Grams moving from pot to pot. It was noisy, but peaceful being in the kitchen with her again. “You know, I wasn’t gonna bring this up, but you may see your dad around town. He moved back.”

My head whipped around to Grams. “What? When?”

I had known Dad moved away from Cottonwood because of Grams. I thought it was for the best being as I wanted to come back and really didn’t care to see him. “About two years ago. I was gonna tell ya earlier, but just didn’t want ya to hurt, and I didn’t want it to be an excuse for you not to come home.”

“That wouldn’t keep me away. Is she with him?” I already knew the answer; I just needed to hear the words.

“Yep. And their kid. Your sister.” I groaned. I knew I had a five year old sister. Grams didn’t keep that from me, but I had no connection to her since dad moved away right after he split from mom.

“Grams, I can’t do this,” I whispered.

“I know it’s hard, my girl, but it is what it is. Your daddy didn’t make good choices and let me tell you, I’ve had a hard time getting over what he did to you girls, but it’s in the past. You should get to know your sister.” Grams’s eyes were soft, but firm.

“I don’t know about that.” I hadn’t known a lot of things when I left—only that my mom was having a mental breakdown.

“The kid’s innocent.” I knew deep down Grams was right. Even now, having the sister I’d always wanted, I couldn’t help but think of all the hurt the whole situation caused my family.

“Grams. I don’t think I can.”

“You don’t have to do it today. Just think about it. And be prepared if you happen to see him downtown.” Grams patted my shoulder and then squeezed it slightly.

“What’s he up to these days?” I knew I shouldn’t give a shit, but he was my father.

“When he got back, I don’t know how he did it, but he bought the laundromat and carwash in town. He runs them,” she said as she stirred the pot.

“Wow. Guess he’s back to normal, huh?” Dad was always involved in something. It never failed, he was trying the next best thing.

“Guess so. Are you?” Grams’s voice was incredulous. I knew she only wanted the best for me, but she made it difficult to answer her.

“I’m fine.” My voice was low and quiet.

“You will not lie to me, young lady,” Grams’s stern voice had me turning toward her.

“Sorry, Grams. It’s part of me that I have to deal with.” Not really. I hadn’t done well dealing with the first year being in California. Mom’s constant badmouthing and my anger from having to move ate at me, making me hate him. But as time went on, I started seeing things differently and not with rose colored glasses. It didn’t make it any easier.

Grams stopped stirring the spaghetti noodles and got right in my face. “You’re giving him and your mom control. You need to take it back.”

“What?” I asked her, stunned by her abruptness.

“You are giving him the control of your life. You have to figure out how to deal with it,” Grams said as if it were the most common knowledge in the world.

“Grams, how the hell am I supposed to do that?”

“As much as I don’t want to say this, maybe talk to him. You’ve grown up. Maybe he can explain himself.” I didn’t think there was anything that he could do to explain his actions.

“Ha! Grams, he cheated on Mom and left us. Now, I’m not saying Mom is innocent, but he left me.” The hurt from those words broke my heart. I went from having a dad who loved me and spent time with me to … nothing.

Grams’s eyes bored into me. “You do remember that he was with you up until Annabelle decided to leave, then you didn’t have contact.”

“It’s what he wanted. He just wanted to be rid of us,” I whimpered, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Savannah Marie. Stop that. Your momma’s been feeding you shit for years, stop eating it.” I stared into Grams’s eyes searching for the answers I didn’t think I’d be able to find.

“Grams,” I whined.

“Don’t Grams me. You need to deal with this.”

Wiping my arm across my eyes, I wanted to end this conversation. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. What can I help with next?”