Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

Knox waited while I sobbed, fighting for breath, never once rushing me. “He was banged up pretty bad, but they’ve repaired his lung and his leg, so as long as the concussion didn’t do any damage, he should be okay.”

“Breathe for me, angel. It’ll be okay.”

I drew a deep breath, struggling to regain my composure. The busy nurses and hospital staff shuffling past paid me little attention. Apparently a girl crying uncontrollably in the hallway was a normal occurrence. I forced myself to maintain my hard-won sense of self-control, focusing on the sound of Knox’s steady breaths to calm me.

“I’m sorry….” I whispered.

“Don’t apologize. Are you all right?”

“I think so. I just hate being back in this hospital, and I hate feeling so helpless. I mean, this is Bri…we’ve been inseparable since first grade.”

“Hang in there, okay?”

I nodded and then smiled, realizing he couldn’t see me. “I’ll try.”

“So I know it’s the wrong time to ask, but the guys miss you. Any idea when you’ll be coming back?”

“No clue. I’ve taken a leave from work. I want to be here for Brian, ya know?” I had requested one because I wasn’t sure how long all of this would take, and now with the accident, I was even less certain.

“Understood.”

Was that sadness in his voice? “He was there for me when, you know, so I should be here for him and his parents.”

“Of course. I get it, McKenna. You guys have a past and he’s been in an accident. It makes sense you’d want to be by his side.”

“Yeah.” I shuffled my feet, trying to think of something else to say. I wasn’t done hearing his voice.

“Merry Christmas, angel,” he whispered.

I’d forgotten that was the reason I’d called in the first place. “Merry Christmas,” I whispered back. “What are you guys up to today?”

“Nikki and the baby came over for a little bit. Tucker had gotten Bailee a gift. And now we’re getting ready to head out. We’re actually going to the soup kitchen to volunteer. We’re cooking Christmas dinner for those with nowhere else to go today.”

My throat felt tight again. “Knox…that’s amazing.”

“Yeah, well, there’s this certain girl who sort of changed my way of thinking about things. Jax complained a little bit, but I think it’ll be really good for the guys.”

“I’m proud of you.” I had to physically force myself not to say I love you. I loved him with my whole heart, but I couldn’t stand the thought of being so vulnerable and hearing silence again. Little by little he was changing and growing into the man I always knew he could be. “I guess I should go. Brian’s mom is waiting on me.”

“Take care of yourself, McKenna.”

“Bye, Knox.”

I hung up the phone and cried like a baby.

When I’d finally composed myself, I ventured downstairs to the hospital cafeteria and got the cup of coffee I’d promised Patty. When I returned to Brian’s room I found Patty sitting in the arm chair beside the bed, but Dave was gone.

“He went home to get a change of clothes for us. He’ll be back in a little bit and you can borrow the car if you want to go home to shower or change,” she informed me.

“Okay, thanks.” A shower sounded heavenly, but I didn’t want to leave on the chance that Brian woke up.

Patty hung her head in her hands, her expression pure agony. “I just keep thinking what if I hadn’t sent him out, I knew the roads were icy…all over a carton of eggnog….” Her voice broke as she sobbed into her hands.

“Patty….” I crossed the room and stood beside her, placing one hand on her shoulder. “This isn’t your fault. Accidents happen.” In that moment, my clarity couldn’t have been more apparent if I’d been struck by lightning. Seeing Patty’s anguish and guilt made me feel so foolish for holding onto my own guilt for all these years. My parents’ accident wasn’t my fault. What I’d said to her was true. Accidents happened. They happened to good people and sometimes no one was to blame. Though I supposed that wasn’t entirely true. In my parents’ case. The drunk driver who’d taken their lives was very much to blame. “Shh, it’s gonna be okay. Brian’s gonna pull through.” I continued rubbing her back, soothing her as best as could, but inside, my thoughts were swirling. My realization changed everything. I felt freer and more aware in an instant – more grown up. Little by little, I felt the dark shame I stored inside me slipping away.

My adolescent mind at seventeen wasn’t mature enough to handle their deaths. I’d needed someone to blame – and I’d punished myself. But the twenty-one year old me was seeing things clearly for the first time and the results were astounding. Despite the horrible circumstances of the moment, I felt more in control than ever. We would all be okay. Once Brian was healthy, I would go back to Chicago and try to fix things with Knox. We were grown up enough to have a conversation about the scary L word. He either loved me and wanted to be with me, or he didn’t. And I would have to accept his decision and move forward with my life once and for all.

As the days turned to weeks, Brian’s recovery progressed quickly and I had no choice but to finally face my fears. I’d set up an appointment and visited the lawyer earlier that day. I was still trying to process the shocking truth of it all as I sat quietly at my parents’ gravestones.

I’d known that between their insurance policies, pension plans, and the sale of our house I’d been left a significant chunk of money, I just hadn’t expected it to affect me so much. It felt so final walking out of the lawyer’s office with a large check in my hands. It was a life-changing amount of money and just as I was starting to get things figured out in my own head, I knew it was going to change everything. It would change where I lived, how Knox viewed me…even what I did for a living if I chose… and unease churned inside me. I wasn’t good at change.

Knox and I continued talking every few days – surface level stuff – he’d fill me in on the boys and I’d give him Brian’s progress report. We never talked about us. I never told him how I missed him with every ounce of my being, and he felt more distant than ever. As hard as it was to imagine, I wondered if he’d slipped back into his old ways.

I was planning to return to Chicago while Brian stayed behind for physical therapy for his leg. No longer living on a few dollars a day meant I could rent a car and drive myself home.

I huddled into my coat as the chilly air swirled loose strands of hair around my face. The bitter temperature and icy barren ground matched the somber tone of this reunion with my parents. I tucked my mitten-covered hands into my pockets as I filled them in on Brian. I talked out loud, the sound of my voice my only company. As I told them about the events of the past few weeks, I realized that my parents had liked Brian and viewed him as a good match for me because he’d always treated me well and protected me. Knox protected and took care of those he loved, too. And he made me happy. At the end of the day, my parents would have wanted me to be happy. It wasn’t lost on me that my lack of attraction to Brian was because there was nothing to fix. He was a perfectly nice, well-adjusted man from a normal, nice family. But it didn’t matter the reasons – the attraction wasn’t there and it never would be. I had to believe my parents would have accepted that.

Knox had been right about one thing – one day I would forgive myself and move on. Today had proven I was capable of that, in small doses. But he’d been wrong about himself not fitting into my life. Being near Brian produced no spark, no electricity, and I missed the warmth that Knox created in me. I knew that by the end of this week, I’d be more than ready to get back. I was even considering changing up my punishing routine – volunteering fewer hours a week, taking more time to take care of myself and enjoy the little things in life.  If I’d learned only one thing on this trip, it was that life was short and could be ripped from you at any moment.

I was also starting to feel guilty for not acknowledging his handwritten I love you message left on the window for me. He was still healing and that was his way of trying. I needed to acknowledge his efforts and progress, not act like a spoiled child who needed everything her way.

If my parents were really out there somewhere listening to this, I wanted to think they’d understand that Brian would always be a constant reminder of what I’d lost. Brian was my past. Knox was my future.

Digging my cell phone out of my coat pocket, I dialed Knox.

Seeing McKenna’s name flash on my phone made me ridiculously fucking happy. I rounded the service counter at the hardware store where I was working and headed for the stockroom, tossing the pair of pliers I was supposed to be price checking onto a shelf. The customer would have to wait.

I ducked into the dusty stockroom and closed the door behind me. “Hey, angel.”

“Hi,” she returned, her voice whisper-soft.

“Everything okay over there? Brian?” As much as saying his name grated against my nerves, the guy had gotten pretty messed up in that accident, so I didn’t want to be a complete asshole and not ask how he was doing. Still, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me insane with jealousy that McKenna had put her entire life on hold – put us on hold – to tend to him and stick by his side. I couldn’t help but feel she’d chosen him over me.

I wished I’d had the balls that morning to take her in my arms and tell her I loved her. But instead I’d taken the pussy way out and scrawled it onto the window. There was a good chance she never even saw it. I sent her away into the arms of her very male best friend without even telling her how I felt. Basically I was a jackass.

“Brian’s doing fine. I think he’s annoyed at the slow pace of his recovery with his leg and his mom’s constant hovering, but considering how things could have turned it, he’s very lucky.”

“And how are you?”

She hesitated for several seconds before answering. “I realized some things this week.”

“And what’s that?” I wasn’t religious, but I prayed to God it wasn’t that she’d figured out Brian was the better choice for her and she was staying in Indiana.

“My parents’ accident wasn’t my fault. It was the damn reckless, irresponsible drunk driver.” Her voice wavered ever-so-slightly and she took a moment to compose herself. “I was talking to Brian’s mom Patty after the accident and it all just hit me. My actions that morning may not have made a difference in the outcome. And for years I thought maybe I should have been with them. But I see now that I wasn’t meant to go then. I’m here for a reason. I’m here to do good in the world.”

“That’s great to hear, angel. And you’re right. You had nothing to do with the accident.”

“I know that now. I can’t image how someone could be so selfish, so negligent. I will never forgive the man who did this. I have zero tolerance for drunk drivers.”

I was happy to hear her channel her anger into the right place – McKenna wasn’t responsible for her parents’ deaths. The man behind the wheel was. But cold dread slithered down my spine realizing, I’d never told McKenna about my own drunk driving arrest. Would it be a deal breaker for me and her?

“I’m going to be coming home soon,” she continued.

“Can I see you when you get home?”

“Yeah, and there’s something I have to tell you when I get back.”

“Something good or something bad?” I asked.

“Um, just something…different. About my life. I finally met with my parents’ lawyer.”

“Okay.” I had no clue where this was heading, but I’d follow her lead on this one. “See you soon, then?”

“Yeah. Goodbye, Knox.”

“Bye.”

“Do you want to talk about it or are you going to keep moping around here like someone kicked you in the balls?” Jaxon asked, glancing up from the TV.

“Are you going to watch the game or are we going to pretend this is Oprah?” I asked.

He smirked. “Fine. But the guys know something’s up. You’re not yourself. You’ve been acting like a dick ever since McKenna took off. Care to tell me what’s really going on?”

The feeling that I’d lost McKenna churned in my gut. I couldn’t sleep. Food didn’t taste right and when I tried to drink to numb the pain, I couldn’t even catch a buzz. Luke had taken Tucker to the public library, so it was just me and Jaxon at home today. “I talked to McKenna. She’s coming home soon.”