“Thanks.” I smoothed my hands over the fabric of my pants. “I have this fundraiser thingy at the library tonight.”

“You look like you’re going on a date.” His eyes glanced over my curves and came to a stop on my face again. My cheeks heated.

“Nope. Just the library.”

“Maybe I should join you.”

“No!” He couldn’t know I was going to Knox’s after. I calmed my voice and started again. “I mean, no, that’s not necessary. It’ll probably be boring. A few speeches and sign up opportunities for volunteer work in the coming year. Nothing too exciting. Besides, I wouldn’t want you to miss the Bears winning their big game.”

“You know I would for you.”

He was too good to me and I was hit with a pang of guilt about lying where I was headed. “Thanks, but no. You stay, enjoy your game.” I slipped on my coat. If the chill in the fall air was any indication, winter was just around the corner.

“Hey, you wanna do something this weekend?”

“Uh, sure. Sounds great, Bri.” It was probably time we put this awkwardness behind us and forget about his fight with Knox.

* * *

The closer I got to Knox’s place, the more anxious I became. I was fidgety and distracted all during the fundraiser and watching the clock hadn’t helped. The entire evening had dragged by at a snail’s pace.

Knox was like a magnet drawing me to him. The pull was primitive and all consuming. And not because I was a fixer, like Brian said, but because our wounded souls found solace in the company of each other. He’d been like a balm to my unseen injuries. And I’d wanted to believe I was his healing balm, too. But I hated that I hadn’t been. Despite his little speech in the bathroom, I worried he was still seeking nameless, faceless girls to soothe his aches, which was why I needed to face reality. Sex was his drug of choice. If I’d really meant something to him, he would give all that up, right? I questioned if he could have a relationship that wasn’t based on sex. I needed to hear what he had to say tonight, even if it destroyed me in the process.

It was nearly 8:30 by the time I arrived and as I stood waiting on the porch for him to answer the door, I took a few deep breaths of cool air and promised myself that nothing would happen between us. Remembering how his tender kisses and skilled fingers had felt, I inwardly groaned. I needed to be strong.

The door swung open and Knox stood there in jeans, bare feet, and a white T-shirt looking sexy and sinful. “Change of plans,” he growled.

I followed him inside and shut the door. It was dark and quiet inside. “Knox?” He continued to the stairs and began climbing them silently. I hurried to keep up with him. “What’s wrong?” His sweet, gentle demeanor from yesterday morning had disappeared, but I wasn’t about to let him shut down on me now. We’d come too far for that, hadn’t we? We were supposed to talk tonight. “Knox, what happened?” I asked again as we entered his bedroom.

He opened a dresser drawer, digging through the pile of clothes until he pulled out a long sleeved black T-shirt. “We’re going out. I need to blow off some steam.”

I wondered what had changed his mood and turned him into this closed off version of himself. If he’d slipped up and been with someone, would he tell me? “Where are we going?”

“To the bar. I need a drink.” He tugged the shirt on over his head and sat down on the bed to put on socks and his boots.

I’d never been to a bar. I was of legal age, but somehow it was just one of those things I hadn’t gotten around to yet. The idea of going out with Knox made the skin of the back of my neck tingle pleasantly. “If I go out with you, will you tell me what happened?”

Dark eyes leapt up to mine as Knox finished lacing his boots. “Jaxon got in a fight a school. He fucked…um, slept with the quarterback’s girlfriend right before the big game.”

“Oh. Did you talk to him, find out why he’d do that?”

“Of course I talked to him. He said the guy was a douche bag and they have gym class together and the guy was always an ass to him. So he wanted revenge. But the team lost their football game because the quarterback was so torn up.”

“And then they fought?”

Knox shook his head. “No. He got jumped. Because once word got out what Jaxon had done, half the school was pissed at him.”

“And the other half?”

“Thought he was a hero.”

Wow. Talk about high school drama. “Is he okay?”

“He’ll live. He’s got some bruises and a fat lip.”

“Is he here?” The nurturer in me wanted to go see if he was okay. Maybe bring him some pain reliever and some ice for the swelling, talk to him about his actions.

Knox nodded. “Yeah, but they’re all in bed early tonight.”

It sounded to me like he’d punished all three boys and sent them to bed early because of Jaxon’s mistake, but I kept my mouth shut, unwilling to question him when he was in such a foul mood.

Knox rose from the bed and stalked toward me. “You ready?”

His plan worried me. Anytime his life got stressful, Knox turned to drinking and sex. I knew they went hand in hand for him. Sudden unease at what the night held in store settled in the pit of my stomach. “I don’t know, Knox. Me? At a bar?”

He shot me a pointed stare. “What do you do to blow off steam?”

Without giving it a second thought, I rattled off my schedule. “Monday night I work at the food bank downtown, Tuesday I visit the youth shelter, Wednesdays I’ve been helping out on a Habitat for Humanity project, Thursdays I go to the Humane Society, and whenever I have time, I serve meals at the soup kitchen. Oh, and Saturday is group.”

He shook his head at me. “My point exactly. Do you even know how to relax?”

I forced the rigid tension in my shoulders to ease. I could do this. And if I didn’t babysit him tonight, who would? “So where are we going?”

We walked the several blocks to a nearby bar, huddled into our coats the entire time. Once night fell, so did the temperature. Drastically. But once we stepped inside the cozy warmth of the tavern, my spirits lifted. Knox led the way to a booth across from the long bar and we sat down facing each other. It felt intimate and foreign being out with him like this, and I liked it. Knox’s eyes remained on mine as I slid out of my coat. He was wearing a dark leather jacket and coupled with the way his long-sleeved tee clung to his broad chest, it made my nipples tighten and rasp against my bra. My entire being took notice of his –on every level– both emotional and physical. It left me staggering for breath.

“So, are we going to talk?” I asked after several tense moments.

“Drinks first.” His eyes cast over to the bar. “What do you want?”

My gaze followed his. Bottles of liquor were lined up along a glass wall behind the bar, overwhelming me. There were too many choices. “I- I’m not sure.”

“You’ve never had a drink before?”

“I’ve had a drink. But I’ve never ordered something for myself at a bar before.”

“Beer? Wine? Something fruity? I’ll order for you, just tell me what sounds good.”

I chewed on my lower lip. My parents died in a drunk driving accident. I’d never been big on drinking. “Something fruity I guess. But not too sweet.”

He chuckled at me. “Got it.”

A few moments later, Knox returned with a pale pink concoction in a tall glass for me, along with a bottle of beer and a shot of something for himself. He pushed the drink toward me and I took a sip from the straw. Mmm. It tasted like lemon-lime soda and cherries with a hint of something tart. Wait a second. “Is this a Shirley Temple?”

He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. “There’s alcohol in it.”

“Are you mocking me?” I straightened my shoulders, locking eyes with him.

“Of course not, angel. Drink up.”

I watched as Knox downed the shot in front of him, bringing it to his full lips and draining the glass in an easy swallow.

“Can we talk about what you said at the soup kitchen…about me and you….”

He nodded.

I paused, taking my time. I didn’t know if I was really ready to go there with him yet. I decided on a different question that had been plaguing me for some time. “Knox I know you’ve told me about your addiction, but will you tell me how it first began? I need to understand. How did you get this way?

“It’s second nature. I don’t think about it.” His eyes wandered away and he took a long sip of his beer.

“I know. But I’m asking you to. To really examine it. And open up and share with me.” I knew I was asking a lot of him, and I didn’t know if he was brave enough.

“I will. In time.”

“What do I have to do for you to tell me?” I chewed on my lip, feeling brave.

He smiled. “You want inside my head that bad?”

I waited, silent.

“Fine. Take a shot with me.”

I opened my mouth to argue, then snapped it closed again. I could handle one shot. Couldn’t I?

This time Knox returned with two shot glasses, each with clear liquor inside. He set one down in front of me and kept the other in his hand. “This your first shot?” he asked. I nodded. “Cheers, angel.”

“How do I….” I paused with the shot glass halfway to my lips.

“Tilt your head back. Open your throat. Let it slide down.”

His voice was thick, laced with sexual tension, and my stomach knotted. But I did as he instructed, bringing the glass to my lips and tipping my head back. I felt his eyes on me the entire time, heating up the space between us. The stiff punch of liquor slid down easily, leaving only a slight bitter burn in the back of my throat. I quickly took a sip of my drink to clear away the taste.

“Good girl.” He licked his lips and set his own empty glass down next to mine.

I had a theory that Knox been looking for love and closeness in all the wrong places. His mother died and his father had run off, abandoning the family. And I knew he said he found his peace, if only for a short time, with girl after girl. The feeling never lasted long, though, and so he sought the next girl. I don’t think he knew he was stuck in that pattern until I’d come along and forced his eyes open. But I needed to hear Knox say it and connect the dots.

He grabbed his beer and took another swig, his eyebrows knitted together in deep concentration. “My mom and I were really close. I was a momma’s boy and am not afraid to admit it.” He smiled. I remembered the sketches he’d shown me. I knew he loved and missed her deeply. “When she died, it left this giant hole in me. I began chasing after girls in high school just to feel something. To feel alive. I dated in high school, and slept around a little, but after a while, it just wasn’t enough anymore. I needed something more. I started going out to bars and girls were even easier to pick up outside of school. It was simple. I didn’t really think about it. And when I was with them, I forgot all about my fucked up life. For a short time anyway. It was a coping mechanism.”

“Didn’t that bother you – using them that way? Those were people’s daughters.”

“If you think they weren’t using me too, you’re more naïve than I thought.” He smirked at me, challenging me to disagree.

I’d never thought about it that way, but I supposed he had a valid point. Knox wasn’t the type to promise them the moon and stars. He was a take it or leave it kind of guy. And they freely took what he’d offered.

He’d been getting love the only way he knew how – by sleeping with anything with a vagina. It was sad, but on some strange level, I understood. Knox had spent many years feeling unloved and not capable of returning love. But I knew he was capable of more. I saw firsthand how sweet he was with his brothers. He’d stepped up to raise them and set aside his own goals and dreams. And I suspected he wanted to change. He’d been attending my sex addicts meetings for over a month now and hadn’t pushed me away, despite my constant questions.

“Still, Knox, you had to know that wasn’t right….”

“It's the only thing I know.”

“Then discover something new.”  My eyes were pleading with his and I saw the moment my plea registered. His gaze turned hungry as his eyes flicked down to my mouth.

He leaned closer, his eyes soft and probing. “Meeting you has been interesting for me....”

My heart swelled in my chest and I wanted so badly to hear him continue. But he took a swig of his beer and let his eyes wander out onto the dance floor.

“So assuming you were still…that way, you’d be looking for a girl here tonight?”