Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

In the dim light from the moon and street lamps outside, only the faint outline of McKenna’s curves were visible under the sheets. “Are you warm enough?” It didn’t escape my notice that she’d forgone the sweatpants, dressing only in the T-shirt I’d left for her.

She nodded. “I’m perfect.”

“I agree.”

She chuckled in the darkness. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. But it’s the truth. Sometimes I don’t even know why you’re here with me. Why you’ve never judged me the way others do.”

“I’m no one to pass judgment,” she said sadly.

She was the best, the most pure and selfless person I knew. How could she possibly think that about herself? Maybe it was time to learn about the inner demons that plagued her. “Will you tell me about your parents? How you lost them?” She stayed quiet. “You know so much about me and my past, and I want you to know that you can open up to me too, but only when you’re ready. I won’t force you.”

She nodded. “No, it’s okay. It’s time you knew.” She watched my eyes in the dim light as if deciding if she could trust me with the secret that burdened her. “When I was seventeen my parents died in a car accident. A drunk driver broadsided them on their way to church.”

I found her hands under the blanket and laced my fingers with hers. “I’m sorry.”

The shimmering hint of tears in her eyes made my heart clench.

“The worst part about it was knowing that it never should have happened. I fought with my mom that morning – I refused to go with them and I was the reason they got on the road late. It was my fault. And the last words I spoke to them were cruel and hurtful. I can never take that back, you know?”

I nodded. I knew about the finality of death and how it caused regrets and what-ifs to creep inside your brain and refuse to leave. “McKenna.” I squeezed her tiny hands in mine. “That accident wasn’t your fault.” She blinked several times, trying to fight off the tears. It was the damn drunk driver, she had to know that. Seeing McKenna’s pain made me feel guiltier than ever about my own drunk driving arrest. But without that wake up call, I doubted I would have ever met her.

“If I’d just been a good daughter that morning, put my own wants aside and gone with them….” A broken cry escaped her throat. “They’d still be here.”

“Have you heard of survivor’s guilt, McKenna?”

“Knox, don’t,” she warned.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I wish I had better words to say to soothe her pain, but I knew nothing ever would. It wasn’t fair how she’d lost her parents. They hadn’t deserved what happened to them, any more than my mom had deserved the cancer that took her. Instead, I pulled her closer, into the warmth of my body, and held her next to me and let her cry. Her body shook with silent sobs while I held her, wishing there was something I could do. I rubbed her back and let her soak my shirt with tears and whispered to her that it would be okay. Even if whispered softly and meant to soothe, my words were hollow. I knew from experience that a loss that great wasn’t something that ever fully healed. The best I could do was hold her and be there for her. Death and loss made no sense. There wasn’t any explaining it or rationalizing it. An accident like that wasn’t logical, and neither was McKenna’s view on her role. She did nothing to cause their deaths. And I hoped in time I could help her to see that.

After what seemed like close to an hour, her sobs finally quieted and I continued to hold her until the little rasping hiccups stopped, too. She moved from the spot where she’d burrowed in against my neck. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and attempted to move back to her side of the bed.

My arms closed around her, keeping her close. “Never apologize for that. I’m here. And I know what it feels like to lose your parents.”

She nodded. “Thank you for listening and for holding me….”

“Shh. No need to thank me.”

“Knox?”

“Yeah?”

“This, us what does it mean?”

“What do you want it to mean?”

“More,” she admitted softly.

I had no idea what more meant to her, but I could only assume it involved me fully opening myself up to this process. “I like you, McKenna. You have to know I’m not like this with anyone but you.”

“I like you too, but this isn’t going to be like one of your other relationships.”

“So what do we do?” I traced her cheek and watched her eyes. She would have to take the lead, because I was at a total fucking loss for how to have a real relationship.

“I guess we see where this takes us.”

“I’ve never had anything like this, how do you know I’m not going to mess it up?”

“Because you’re a good man, Knox.”

I pressed a kiss to her lips, surprising her. I hadn’t meant the kiss as anything sexual, just a comforting endearment to show her I cared. But McKenna lifted her lips to mine and kissed me back. Her mouth was warm and soft and a jolt of pleasure shot straight to my dick. Now was not the time to get hard. McKenna’s body was nestled in against mine, just the thin layer of her T-shirt and my gym shorts separating the heat of her body from mine. She tossed her top leg over my hip and pressed herself closer, no doubt feeling every hard inch of me. I wanted her, but not like this.

McKenna craved physical touch, but in a much different way than I did. She was seeking something real – a connection, something permanent. I never thought I’d be the one to offer her those things, but seeing how brave she was, how open she was with her needs, made me question everything. I wanted to be what she needed. I just didn’t know how and was pretty certain I’d find a way to fuck it up. Hurting her was out of the question. She’d been through too much already.

We kissed for several long minutes, our tongues moving together, her breathing becoming ragged, and her lower half pressing clumsily into mine as though she was seeking something.

I hadn’t wanted to push things between us tonight, but hell, she’d just broken down and told me she felt responsible for her parents’ deaths. If there was ever a time she needed the distraction of pleasure, it was now. I knew that better than anyone.

“Knox….” she breathed, pressing her hips to mine.

I didn’t respond, my lips moving to her neck to taste her and breathe in her sweet scent. Her hands scrambled along my abs until they reached the waistband of my shorts. I caught her roaming hands and moved them away just before they dipped inside. We’d just agreed to take the first steps toward a relationship and I didn’t want her to think that had anything to do with sex. I wanted her, of course I did, but I wanted more, too.

Sex wasn’t the way to show her how I felt about her. That meant nothing to me. But being near her kissing her, cooking for her, letting her sleep over in my bed. Those were the ways I told her how I felt about her. Only now as her fingers curled into my hair and her lips hovered above mine, I didn’t think she got that. She wanted the physical, too. And it was killing me. Literally killing me not to take her and push her knees apart and sink into her slowly.

She let out a frustrated groan and rubbed her pelvis against mine. Even if I didn’t want her to feel pressured to go further than she wanted, I wouldn’t leave her in this state. Trailing my hand from her hip down to her pubic bone, my fingers brushed against her panties. The damp fabric clung to her skin. “Right here?” She whimpered softly. “Is this where you need me?” She pushed her hips closer, begging me silently. Lifting her panties aside, I pressed my fingertip against her firm little clit and she let out a ragged moan. Something told me I knew her body better than she did herself, and I liked hearing the responses I provoked from her. I liked knowing I was the one responsible for her pleasure. The one taking her over the edge.  It did insane things to me. Even without touching me, she got me rock hard and aching.  Half of me worried we should stop – we’d both been drinking – but none of me wanted to.

Removing my hand from her panties, I pressed a kiss to her parted lips and met her eyes. “Angel?” Disappointment flooded her pretty eyes. “How drunk are you?” She’d only had one drink plus the shot I’d made her try, but still, something told me she was unaccustomed to drinking.

She hesitated for a moment, blinking up at me. “Not drunk,” she breathed. “Don’t stop.” Her mouth crashed against mine in a hungry kiss and I was done questioning this.

Restraint urged me to keep her panties on but I couldn’t help lifting the baggy T-shirt she wore and kissing all over her breasts. Using both hands, I pressed her tits together and placed damp sucking kisses all over the rounded flesh, using my tongue to lick each taut peak until she was restless and moaning out my name. She smelled lightly of soap and fresh washed laundry and tasted even better. I was desperate to taste her all over and feel her warm soft skin against mine.

Creaking floorboards signaled that we weren’t alone just as I heard my name. “Knox?”

I tossed the blankets over McKenna to cover her naked chest and jumped up. “Tucker? What’s wrong?”

“My tummy hurts,” he groaned.

“Okay, buddy. Come on.” I led him into the bathroom, my heart pounding out of control. As soon as the toilet was in view, Tucker lurched over it and got sick. I stayed with him in the bathroom, sitting on the tile floor, just in case he got sick again.

A few minutes later, McKenna tapped on the bathroom door. I didn’t know if she’d wanted to hide the fact she was staying overnight, but she stuck her head inside the door to see if Tucker was okay. “You need anything? A glass of water, maybe?”

I nodded. “Sure, that’d be great.”

After a few minutes more, Tucker rinsed his mouth and crawled into my bed between me and McKenna. By that point it was nearly three in the morning and we were all exhausted. Tucker had insisted she stay and held her hand as he fell back asleep. I caught McKenna’s eyes as she lay on the far side of the bed, a sick little boy sprawled between us, and as I watched her in the dim light, she seemed to understand that this was my life. Her eyes on mine and the small smile on her lips was her silent acknowledgement that she accepted each part. From my broken past to my responsibilities with my brothers.  McKenna’s constant presence here showed me that she could handle not only the fucked up side of me, but also my role as a brother and a parent. It was a huge feeling of relief. Realizing I wasn’t alone for the first time in a long time, I feel into a peaceful sleep.

I had sent a quick text to Brian to let him know I wouldn’t be home last night. And to my surprise, he hadn’t replied. My phone had stayed eerily silent all night. A sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach.

After getting Tucker settled in his own bed with some dry toast and soda, Knox and I ventured to the kitchen where Knox set a pot of coffee to brew. I was working at the teen shelter today, but didn’t go in until mid-morning, and Knox, with a sick little boy home from school today, was taking the day off to look after him.

Sitting down at the breakfast table, I watched him work. He seemed completely at ease in the kitchen, and for a guy as big and strong as Knox, it was a bit of an anomaly. One I very much liked. His domestic nature, despite being a rugged bad-boy, was just another thing I loved about him.

Luke and Jaxon entered the kitchen and gave me only a brief strange look when they saw me and realized that I must have spent the night.  “Hey, McKenna.” Luke smiled.

“Hey, Luke.”

Jaxon grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter and began slicing it into chunks while simultaneously sizing me up.

“Fuck!” he cursed, dropping the knife and holding his finger up to inspect.

I jumped from my seat and crossed the room to where Jaxon stood. “Did you cut yourself?”

He shrugged, turning on the faucet to rinse his hand under cool water. “It’s nothing.”

“At least let me have a look.” I took his hand, all but forcing him to let me see. These boys were so brave, so independent, that they didn’t want to have to rely on anyone for anything. They’d been hurt so badly losing their parents. They were afraid to need anyone. The slice through the pad of his index finger wasn’t deep, but was bleeding pretty steadily. “I think I can bandage this up pretty quick, it doesn’t look too bad.”

“Nah, I’m okay. Luke, hit me with that paper towel.”