Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

“Man-daid?” Luke asked, tossing a roll of paper towel across the kitchen to Jaxon.

Jaxon nodded and began wrapping several sheets around his bloodied finger.

“Man-daid?” I asked, watching their exchange.

“Yeah, like a Band-Aid, but for real men. Paper towel and duct tape.” Luke smiled, tossing Jaxon a roll of duct tape from a nearby drawer.

Jaxon used the tape to secure the paper towel in place. “See?” He held up the digit. “All good.”

I shook my head, giggling at their inventiveness. “What about your breakfast?” I asked, looking over at the discarded chunks of apple on the counter.

Jaxon shrugged. “I’ll grab something later.”

“Have a good day at school, boys.”

Knox met me in the kitchen where I was tidying up after the boys.

He scooped me up in his arms, wrapping me tightly in a hug. “You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s not a problem.” I liked helping, feeling useful like this.

“About last night.” His hand closed over mine, stopping me from wiping down the counter so I met his eyes. “Thank you for telling me about your parents.”

I nodded. I hadn’t wanted to tell him – not because I was set on keeping my past hidden, no, he’d been too open with me to do that. But because I knew he’d look at me differently once he knew. I’d seen it before – once people found out, their looks changed to ones of pity, of sadness. I couldn’t stand the thought of Knox looking at me like that. But instead he’d just pulled me close and let me cry big soggy tears that rolled down my cheeks and stained his T-shirt. It had been exactly what I needed.

“Let me check on Tucker one more time and then I’ll drive you home.”

“Okay.” I followed him up the stairs, wanting to say goodbye to Tucker myself.

We found him curled on his side, the trash can Knox had set next to his bed thankfully still empty.

“How ya feeling, buddy?” Knox sat down on the edge of his bed, handing him a stuffed teddy bear that had fallen to the floor.

Tucker wrapped his arms around the bear and closed his eyes. “The same. Tummy still hurts.”

Knox pulled the blankets up higher around Tucker’s shoulders. “I’ve got to take McKenna home and then I’ll be right back. You need me to get you anything before we go?”

Tucker’s eyes latched onto mine. He was like a mini-version of Knox, and even at eight years old, it was easy to see that he’d grow into a very handsome man, just like his older brothers. Seeing them together made my chest feel tight. Knox was so sweet, so gentle, and watching him care for his brother was the most wonderful sight. He was beautiful to me in that moment. It took me a second to realize Tucker was asking about me.

“Why does McKenna have to leave?” he asked, his features painted in confusion.

“She has to go to work today,” Knox explained.

“But you don’t, right?”

Knox shook his head. “I took the day off. I’m staying home with you today. We can watch a movie later if you want.”

I bent down and placed my hand on Tucker’s forehead, checking for a temperature. He didn’t seem overly warm. “I promise I’ll come back and check on you. Feel better, okay?”

He nodded, fixing on a brave face. “Bye, Kenna.”

“Nikki’s going to come over while I’m gone. Just in case, all right, buddy?”

Tucker nodded bravely.

Knox led the way downstairs and we dressed ourselves in coats and shoes, waiting by the front door for his neighbor Nikki.

Knox leaned closer, tucking stray strands of hair behind my ears. “I’m sorry we got interrupted last night. Maybe we can finish our conversation tonight?”

I wondered which part he was sorry got interrupted – our intimate moment or the conversation about my parents? I merely nodded my agreement. Moments later, his young neighbor Nikki let herself in the front door, her baby daughter Bailee balanced on her hip. The baby looked just like her mom – both were pretty with blonde ringlets and big blue eyes.  I wasn’t sure why, but I hadn’t realized his neighbor was gorgeous. She eyed me carefully while Knox took the baby so she could remove her jacket.

“Hi. I’m Nikki.” She offered me her hand.

“McKenna. It’s nice to meet you. Your daughter’s beautiful.”

She took the little girl back from Knox. “Thanks.”

I could tell there was something she didn’t like about seeing me here with Knox. She probably wasn’t used to seeing women here in his home, especially in the morning hours, and I briefly wondered if they’d ever had a fling.

“Tucker’s upstairs in bed,” Knox said. “I’d just stay down here if I were you. Keep both of you away from the germs.”

Nikki nodded. “I will.”

She crossed the room, sat Bailee down on the rug in the living room, and dumped a nearby basket of toys out in front of her, then planted herself on the couch with the TV remote. The twinge of jealously brewing inside me was unexpected. I knew Knox’s past and worked hard to not let it get to me, but something about seeing this girl in his home, somewhere she was obviously quite comfortable, set me off. I pushed it from my mind as Knox led the way out to his Jeep.

* * *

The flu progressed from Tucker to Luke to Jaxon and I feared Knox was next, despite his insistence that he felt fine. He’d been taking care of everyone all week; surely he’d exposed himself to the sickness. I knew I was supposed to hang out with Brian that weekend, but Knox hadn’t sounded well on the phone, so I’d put my date with Brian off, promising to make it up to him, and decided to go over and check on the guys once more.

The house was quiet. Too quiet. I suspected the boys were home, but they were either napping or doing quiet activities in their rooms. I climbed the stairs to the third floor and lightly tapped on Knox’s bedroom door. Not waiting for an answer, I pushed the door open and stepped inside. The blinds were drawn, and the room was quiet, cool and dim. Knox was stretched out across his bed, his big frame limp against the mattress. I didn’t even have to ask him if he was sick. It was obvious.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said, sitting up in bed once he saw me. He looked miserable, and I’d guess it was a combination of a few things – lack of sleep being the main contributor. He lifted to his elbow to watch me cross the room. The sheets were strewn haphazardly around him and he was in a pair of loose-fitting gray knit pants and a white T-shirt. His feet were bare and his hair stuck up in several directions. “We’re going to get you sick.”

“Hush.” I sat down beside him and brushed his hair back off his forehead. He felt warm and his cheeks were flushed. I might be in a house filled with germs, but that wasn’t even hitting my radar. “I’m here and I’m staying. You can’t do all this on your own, despite thinking you’re Superman.”

He chuckled, dryly, his throat obviously raw. “I don’t think that.”

I met his eyes. “You act like it sometimes. Working hard, raising your brothers, trying to right your wrongs. You’re pretty amazing, you know that?” Something about seeing him this sick and miserable made me all sentimental.

“You think that, but it’s not true,” he said. I didn’t argue, didn’t want him to waste his energy debating his point. I knew he was amazing, despite what he thought. I just continued softly brushing back his hair, gazing down at him with reverence.  “You’ve always thought that, haven’t you?” he continued. “You always believed in me. Even before I believed in myself.”

Of course I did. I was a counselor; I believed people could change, right down to my very being. I had to believe it. It needed to be true if I was ever going to be good enough to outdo the wrong that caused me to lose my parents.  Or maybe I just wanted to believe that Knox could change because I’d felt such a pull to him right from the beginning. I’d wanted a little piece of this troubled man, even though it scared me. I needed him to be okay. So did his brothers. “Just rest. I’m going to go clean up a bit and run to the grocery store.”

He smiled weakly up at me. “Thank you. There’s some money in my top drawer.” He looked over at his dresser in the corner.

He worked hard for his money, but I knew he wasn’t any better off than me. If I could help out a little, I would. And there was enough in my bank account this week. I could afford bread and milk and basics for the boys. “Anything in particular sound good?”

He made a grimace, like food sounded awful. “Maybe just some soda.”

“You got it.” And perhaps some chicken noodle soup for once they all started feeling better. It was just what my mom would have made if I were sick. I’d get a big pot bubbling on the stove just in case. Fill the house with that yummy aroma in the hopes that would lift their spirits.

I headed downstairs and found Luke and Jaxon on the couch playing the least spirited game of Xbox I’d ever seen. They still looked glassy-eyed and pale, but they were out of bed and apparently well enough to sit and play, but not enough to engage in their usual banter and trash talking. “You guys feeling better?” I asked, slipping on my coat and shoes.

“Well enough to not be hugging the toilet anymore.” Jaxon smirked.

“That’s a good thing.” I winked. “I’m headed to the store and I’m gonna make some chicken noodle soup later, it’ll be ready whenever you feel up for eating.”

“Thanks, Kenna,” they both chimed in.

I would tackle the dishes and bathrooms when I returned. This house was in need of some serious TLC. After a week of four sick boys with no one cleaning up – it looked and smelled the part.

“McKenna?” Luke asked, glancing up from his game.

I paused, turning to face him. “Yeah?”

“Thanks for making our house feel like a home.” He flashed a perfectly straight white smile at me and my heart melted a tiny bit in my chest. Without a family of my own anymore, I’d been unwittingly making myself part of theirs.

* * *

When I got home from Knox’s place, I was exhausted. I felt like I hadn’t slept in a week. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and wrap myself up in the blankets, but first I wanted a nice hot shower. Brian wasn’t home, thankfully, so I didn’t have to field any questions about where I’d been all day. I knew he wasn’t happy about me cancelling our plans to go and see Knox.

Under the steaming spray of water, I washed myself thoroughly, scrubbing away any lingering germs, though I’d been careful at Knox’s, washing my hands and disinfecting everything I’d touched over there. Drying myself with an oversized towel, I padded into my bedroom and dressed in pajamas. I didn’t care that it was only late afternoon. I felt like going to bed.

Crawling under the covers, I was asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.

When my texts and phone calls to McKenna went unanswered, I decided to drive over to her apartment to see for myself what was going on. Just as I suspected, she’d come down with the flu. After an unpleasant exchange with Brian, I found her in her bed, curled into a tight little ball.

“McKenna?” I whispered.

Her eyes opened slowly, taking several moments to focus on mine. “Knox?”

“You caught it, didn’t you?” I smiled down at her, brushing her hair back from her face.

“Uh huh,” she nodded.

I knew there’d been no way she could have hung around me and the boys, as sick as we all were for four days straight, and not catch this nasty flu. Something tugged inside my chest seeing her so pale and listless. I wished there was something I could do, but unfortunately I knew this thing had to run its course. “Can I get you anything?”

She pulled the blankets up higher toward her chin. “I’m cold. Maybe an extra blanket.” She tipped her chin toward the chair in the corner where a fluffy throw blanket was folded.

I arranged the blanket over her and then crawled into bed beside her. “Here.” I opened my arms. “I’ll warm you up.”

She snuggled into my chest. “Mmm. My own personal space heater.”

McKenna dozed in and out of sleep while I lay there holding her. She stopped shivering after about ten minutes and soon her skin was growing damp with perspiration.

Now that my strength had returned and all the boys were healthy again, I’d returned to work. But if need be, I would stay here and care for McKenna, just like she’d done for us.

After a brief knock, Brian pushed open the door. Shooting him a scowl, I wondered if he invaded McKenna’s privacy like this often. Dickhead. “Need something?” I asked. McKenna’s eyelids fluttered, but she remained curled against my side.