Christina Lee - Whisper to Me

When my father turned to talk to the bar manager, Sam said, “Yeah, you play a mean bass.”

“Thanks, Sam,” I said. “How’s Micah?”

Rachel had come to visit Micah with me the day she’d been discharged. Even though we had to wear masks, she sat and talked to him in the visitor’s lounge for a while about his interests, school, and friends. I could tell she’d felt as emotional about his condition as I had. He was a young kid and already had so much to deal with in his life. I could see the stress of his mounting medical bills on his family member’s faces.

“He’s having a good week,” Sam said.

“Glad to hear it,” I said, spotting a familiar face in my peripheral vision. It was Meadow from Housekeeping. She looked different in street clothes. Gorgeous, in fact, with her long hair, dark eyes, and sweet figure. Still, I craved Rachel’s scent and lips and eyes—which tonight were a leafy green, vivid and clear and pure.

As Meadow and I chatted, I couldn’t help glancing over her shoulder at Rachel, who had returned to her conversation with Andrew. I tried not to pay them any attention, but the heaviness of her presence was in this bar. The tension pricked at my spine and settled in my bones.

And maybe this was exactly how it was meant to be. Me, permitting Rachel the space and freedom to discover relationships with new guys. Just what Dakota had said she needed.

I’d allow Rachel that. She probably deserved it. So I’d play along and act interested in whatever Meadow had to say.

Walking into the Pure grand opening, I could tell from the window display alone that this was all Rachel’s doing. Rachel’s shop. It might have been her mother’s business but Rachel’s style was written all over it. The front windows were warm browns and bright pinks—strong and feminine, just like her.

I pulled open the glass door as the bell above it jangled, but the sound could barely be heard over the din of the crowd. The place was crammed with family and friends and more than a few new faces. So packed, in fact that the windows were steaming up.

I was greeted at the door by Rachel’s mom, who was passing out lip balm samples. She pulled me into a hug. “You’re looking just as handsome as always. Thanks for coming.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, staring into the attractive face of Mrs. Mattson. Rachel was definitely her likeness with her dark hair and bright green eyes. “The place looks great.”

“Rachel sure knows how to decorate a space. And pack a room, for that matter,” she said, looking over the crowd. “I couldn’t have done it without her. I’m sure going to miss her when she returns to TSU in a couple of weeks.”

I spotted Rachel across the room in a girly, yellow sundress and my breath caught in the back of my throat. She was laughing with Dakota, a wash of color splashed across her cheeks. She looked relaxed, carefree and stunning.

“It’ll all work out,” I said, when I noticed the worry line between Mrs. Mattson’s brow. “I know you’re nervous, but she’s tough and independent. She’s been through way worse and the university isn’t that far away.”

“You’re a good friend,” she said, patting my arm. I definitely was trying to be again.

A few high school friends were there, including Julia, who’d texted me a couple more times since I’d been home. I’d met friends up at the bar a few nights, and each time she’d been there, I’d turned her down, but she was sure to try again. And maybe tonight I’d play along.

Yeah, right.

I watched as Andrew, the dude who worked with Dakota, stepped up to hand Rachel a drink. A smile tugged at her lips, just as jealousy yanked at my heart.

I tried to keep my head and think about this realistically. Andrew was a nice guy and seemed to be in to Rachel. Dakota had been pushing Rachel into dating again and I couldn’t tell whether she was seeing Andrew to prove something to Dakota or to herself.

I knew that Rachel was trying to get back in Dakota’s good graces, but I also wondered if she was losing herself again. Or maybe I just couldn’t handle the idea of her being with someone else.

Andrew had picked her up at the condo a couple of times in the past several days. I’d listened from my bedroom door, refusing to be in the same space as the two of them—because if I was, I was liable to do something irrational, like fling Rachel over my shoulder, all caveman style.

She never invited him over afterward, but for all I knew, they spent time alone at his place during those nights. And I couldn’t help the torment of wondering if she’d kissed or touched him the in same way.

I needed to stop being so naïve. She’d had plenty of guys before me—I hadn’t been special. I’d been only convenient. Maybe too convenient.

She’d be leaving soon anyway, and then who knew what the hell might happen.

Besides, I had my own shit to figure out, decisions to be made—and very soon.

Rachel’s gaze met mine from across the room as her mother showed me Zen organic something-or-other shirts. Her face brightened but then crossed over to hurt, and my chest tightened into a fist. As if she’d remembered that my friendship came at a cost—that it was still a complex and tangled mess—and I hated that I brought forth those emotions.

She headed over to greet me and what’s-his-face followed behind.

“Thanks for coming,” Rachel said, and then flung her arm around my neck for a hug. I went to kiss her on the cheek, just as she turned her head, and my lips landed on the corner of her mouth instead. Ah hell.

That little taste only made me want more. “Sorry,” I said, backing away.

Color rose in her cheeks, and she had trouble meeting my eyes. “Kai, you remember Andrew.”

I lifted my hand in a wave. “Yep. Nice to see you.”

Yeah, right. If I never saw you again it’d be too soon.

“Andrew,” Mrs. Mattson said. “Dakota tells me you’re transferring your credits to TSU in the fall?”

Seriously? Well played, dude. Now I just wanted my knee to find his nuts.

Panic flared briefly in Rachel’s eyes. Maybe she wasn’t even into this guy, and it had all been my imagination.

But then she flashed him a sweet smile, and I felt confused all over again.

“Yes,” he said. “They have a great finance program and I already took all of my core classes at the community college.”

There was a closer university about twenty minutes away, so I wondered why he hadn’t just transferred there.

“And I live in Hamilton County, so the commute to TSU is shorter.”

So it would have been a toss-up either way. I needed to knock it off and stop acting like this guy was ready to propose or some shit.

Mrs. Mattson’s face brightened. “I’m glad Rachel will have more friends around.”

Rachel looked away, but I caught the subtle roll of her eyes.

Shane had just joined our group as Mrs. Mattson turned to me.

“How about you, Kai?” she asked. “What are you plans for the fall?”

Dakota showed up next to Shane with a full glass of wine. “Yeah, what are your plans, Kai?”

She was such a pain in my ass lately. The exact reason why I hadn’t confided my news to her.

“You didn’t tell them yet?” Shane said, balancing a plate of appetizers and a bottle of beer.

“Tell us what?” Dakota reached for a carrot from Shane’s plate and doused it in ranch dressing.

Rachel refused to meet my gaze, and the words seemed to stick in my throat. I just shook my head.

“He might go back to Amsterdam,” Shane said. “Same setup as last time, right, dude? Classes at the university in between working at the recording studio.”

“Yeah, Johan asked me back,” I said, finally finding my voice. Rachel’s eyes flicked to mine, but I turned to Mrs. Mattson to avoid any emotions that might pass between us. “We had a little . . . misunderstanding this spring. He called me to discuss it and offered me another opportunity.”

That conversation had happened two nights ago, when I’d been out with Shane. I’d been shocked, to say the least. I’d been mulling the move over the last couple of days, considering all of my options. My parents would definitely be impressed if I returned to Johan’s studio and got my shit together, along with my degree.

“Fantastic,” Mrs. Mattson said. “So you’ll be heading to the Netherlands again soon?”

Truth be told, I hadn’t been sure until that very moment—I decided I needed to finally make a choice. Do something. Be somebody, for Christ’s sake.

“Yes,” I said, trying to sound confident in my decision. “I’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks.”

“Wow, Kai,” Dakota said with a look of something like awe in her eyes. The first expression of support she’d shown me all summer. “Do Mom and Dad know?”

“Not yet,” I said. “I’ll let them know in the morning.”

“They should be happy about your decision.”

I nodded and threw a quick glance Rachel’s way. Her eyes were unfocused and her shoulders were stiff. She seemed to be trying to keep her mouth in a neat straight line.

Finally she met my gaze, the corners of her lips turning up, and said, “Congratulations.”

Her gaze swept over the crowd before returning to her mother. “We’re getting low on appetizers. I’ll refill some plates.”

Then she walked away, leaving me to deal with my tornado of emotions.

Stomach convulsing, I rushed to the back room as quickly as I could. We’d cleared a table for extra fruit, crackers, and wine for the opening, next to a shelf filled with my mother’s candle-making supplies.

I grabbed an additional serving tray and began loading grapes onto it.

Overcome with despair, I sagged against the table.

What in the fuck. Kai was leaving again?

I supposed he had no grounds to stay. I certainly wasn’t a good enough reason.

Going to college an hour away from home was completely different than traipsing off to a separate goddamn continent.

Sure, we had been back to friends-only status since the concert that weekend. Based on his angry outburst, all I could gather was that he thought I was using him for his body. But hadn’t he done the same? And hadn’t he encouraged just that?

After my recent hospital stay, he’d practically treated me like a porcelain doll—something I used to be able to count on him not to do.

At least Andrew had treated me like a normal girl. But I’d accepted his offers of hanging out for the wrong reasons. He was cute and nice and great, actually. The kind of guy I would have been interested in a few years ago. But I wasn’t the same Rachel anymore. Especially not after being with Kai. And shit, now I’d have to see Andrew around TSU campus, too.

I was tired of Dakota acting disappointed in me and asking me five hundred questions about the past three years. It was true that I’d avoided in-depth phone calls or visits home, which she was beginning to piece together. It was clear how much she didn’t really know me anymore.

And being around her again just reminded me how much I respected her, revered her, even—how straitlaced and honorable she’d been most of the time. How tough it had been to live up to that, even thought she hadn’t asked me to.

Instead of arguing with her, I felt some bizarre need to compensate. So I told her I was ready to date some nice guys again. As if I’d been the victim of my meaningless hookups instead of seeking out guys to get lost in.

Truth be told, I’d also hoped that having Andrew pick me up at the condo might’ve jogged something in Kai. Made him realize that he missed being with me—in an intimate way, instead of just allowing me to use him to fulfill my sexual needs.

I figured he’d moved on already. He’d been going up to the bar, and I’d overheard my high school friend Julia talking about how hot he was, so I assumed he’d hooked up with her. Of course, I’d lain awake at night tormenting myself imagining how he’d probably dirty talked her.

And finally, I had hoped that Andrew was the solution to all that was Kai. Would help me get over him, forget him. That maybe I’d slowly fall for Andrew. Like I had with Kai.

How it was like some crazy, wicked roller coaster. You’re climbing the tracks, hoping for a decent thrill, when suddenly the bottom drops out, and you’re crashing headlong into the most electrifying ride of your life.