Christina Lee - Whisper to Me

And now I still had stuff to hide, and I was weary from the effort.

What in the hell did I have to lose anyway?

“Which is who, exactly?” she said, huffing out a gust of air.

As if she’d been exasperated with me. The same thing I’d been feeling from her since my friends had come up for the concert. Even they’d given me less shit than she had. Sure, they’d call under the pretense of worrying about my campus housing, when in reality it was about my health and I couldn’t begrudge them that.

They seemed to have moved beyond the fact that I had kept plenty from them. But it appeared Dakota couldn’t.

“Miss Goody-Goody,” I said, straightening myself and trying not to cave under her stern gaze. “I know I was that girl before, but I’m not anymore.”

“Finally,” she said, letting out a breath. “God, Rachel, you may not realize this, but I actually admire you.”

“Admire me?” I said in a daze. Dakota’s entire countenance had changed. “For what?”

“For one thing, fighting so hard through your recovery. You went through hell day in and day out.” She grabbed the creamer and topped off her coffee. “And second, for just . . . being your own person. Doing what you wanted. It wasn’t the best way, surely . . .”

I rolled my eyes. She just couldn’t help herself.

“But you were strong. You did things your own way.” Her hand slapped the table, making me jump. “You weren’t completely out-of-your-mind scared about the future—like I’d been for you. I was freaked out and probably didn’t always act in your best interest. I’m sure I was a pain in the butt most of the time.”

I thought of how sheltered I’d felt by Dakota and my parents and how I’d longed to just break free and fly away . . . like Kai. How beautiful he looked in all of his uninhibited glory.

So maybe I had channeled a bit of him during the past three years.

Just thinking about Kai hurt my heart.

“Thank you, Dakota. Hearing you voice that . . . means the world to me,” I said, all of my anger flying out the window. “You’re kind of hard to hold a candle to.”

“Yeah, right,” she mumbled. “I know I act like I’m Miss Perfect—at least that’s what Shane calls me.”

She dipped her head. That was such an un-Dakota-like move that my eyes flicked up to study her. “Is that why you’ve been . . . walking around like you have a stick up your ass?”

“Kind of . . .” She bit her lip.

“Out with it, now,” I said, nudging her leg beneath the table. “Dakota, we used to tell each other everything. What happened to us?”

She gave me one of her award-winning looks.

“Okay, I get it—I had everything to do with that. Keeping our phone calls and visits short. I’m sorry.”

“I’d like to get back to where we once were,” she said.

“Start by telling me what’s wrong,” I said. I knew by saying that I might have to reciprocate, but at this point, I was tired of holding it all in.

“Shane is leaving next week.” She took a fortifying breath. “You are, too. And Kai already left.”

God, how selfish had I been that I didn’t notice that my seemingly strong friend would also feel left behind? She just always sounded so tough—working a ton of hours, hanging out with casino employees, and keeping busy with her college courses.

“Oh, honey,” I stood up to give her a one-armed hug. We were verbal but not always demonstrative in our affection. But I felt like I needed to be this time. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Of course I do—you guys are my family.”

I playfully yanked on a strand of hair that had come loose from her ponytail. “Shane is your family, too?”

“Well, no. Shane and I . . .” She looked down at the table, a rose color climbing up her cheeks.

“There’s something there, asshead. I’m no dummy,” I practically hissed. “Massive sexual chemistry.”

“I’ve been denying it for a long time,” she said, finally looking me in the eye.

“Isn’t that because your brother didn’t approve?” It felt better not saying his name out loud.

“Probably,” she said. “But Kai said something to Shane before he left for Amsterdam.”

“What in the hell did he say?”

“His exact words were: ‘Go for it, dude.’”

My jaw hung open incredulously. “As in, you and Shane?”

“Yeah,” she said, her eyes wide. “Shane said he seemed different. More open to the idea. Said he didn’t want to hold anybody back from finding happiness.”

“Holy crap.” What in the hell had made Kai change his mind about that? Was it because of what had happened between us?

“And you may not think I’m so perfect after all,” Dakota said, twirling a coffee-stained napkin in front of her.

I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Shane and me. We’ve . . . kissed. We’ve . . . made out a couple of times this summer.”

“You dirty little slut.” I laughed, actually relieved that Dakota had faults—vulnerabilities—just like the rest of humanity. “And?”

“It was amazing,” she said, with a dreamy glint in her eyes.

Then her eyes darted away. “But now he’s leaving.”

I squeezed her hand. Gosh, if she only knew how wrecked I was over someone leaving, as well. “It’s not like you can’t date long-distance. You both have a year left. You’ll figure it out.”

“That’s exactly what Shane said.” She, however, didn’t look entirely convinced.

“See?” I said. “Think positive.”

“God, I feel so much better now that I told you,” she said. “I suppose I should thank my brother. Or not. That little shit.”

I grinned and shook my head. Siblings. “Why do you think Kai gave his blessing?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “He’s been different, more mature. Maybe I was wrong to get on his case all summer.”

“Please, you’re always on his case. This summer was no different.”

She chuckled. “True.”

“Dakota . . .” It was on the tip of my tongue and I needed to just come out with it. “You know how close I feel to Kai, right? I consider him one of my best friends.”

She nodded. “You guys have a close friendship. He respects you a lot.”

“I . . . think”—my neck and cheeks and ears heated up—“I’ve developed a little crush on him this summer.”

Dakota stayed silent, and I had no idea what she was thinking.

Shit, had I ruined everything by telling her?

She folded her arms across her chest. “So you finally admit it?”

My head snapped up. “Huh?”

“In my opinion, you’ve had a crush on my brother since high school. Along with every other girl,” she said. “I don’t know what it is about girls swooning over bad boys. We’ve got to do something to save ourselves.”

I laughed, but it wasn’t genuine. Dakota lumping me in with every other girl made my stomach turn over. Brought me back to reality. Gave me the good thump on the head I needed.

“I’m sorry, Rachel,” she said, biting her lip. “I don’t know if my brother will ever settle down.”

“No, it’s cool—I’ll totally get over it,” I said, shaking my head vigorously. Suddenly I wanted to take it all back and suffer silently again. “I won’t see him for a long time, anyway.”

And that’s what kept me grounded as I got through my first month of classes.

Remembering how unconvinced Dakota had sounded about her own brother.

The first thing I did when I arrived in Amsterdam—besides taking a lengthy shower and a nap—was to tell Johan that I needed more shifts in order to learn everything I could about the business.

I’d had a long plane ride to think it all through. Returning to Amsterdam didn’t exactly sit well in my gut. So I needed to use my time here wisely and force myself to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life.

I worked long hours at the studio and absorbed as much information as I could about equipment, instruments, and relationships in the music biz. An idea was beginning to take shape, and when I told Johan about it, he was cool with it. He even said it didn’t surprise him.

What had kept me going was the adrenaline rush of finally having a goal and doing the work to achieve it. I didn’t even bother with weed, even though it was more readily available over there. I also pretty much hung on Rachel’s daily texts.

I couldn’t shake our last night together. The way she’d looked at me, how it felt to be buried so deep inside her. When her white lace underwear fell out of my suitcase my first night back in the Netherlands, I almost texted her a picture of it. To remind her of the incredible connection we’d had.

That first week, I also couldn’t help running my fingers over the damn hickey on my stomach that she gave me before leaving my room. I imagined her lips there and wished it would stay on my skin forever.

And now, as I thought about Rachel’s smile, her struggles and determination, the blood rushed through my ears with a thunderous roar. Fuck. It was time, goddamn it. To be brave and present in my own body.

I needed to go after what I wanted and not let some other guy have her. Maybe my goals were shit compared to goals someone like Andrew had. Maybe she wouldn’t think I’d measure up. Hell, even I wasn’t sure if I measured up, but fuck, I needed to at least try.

If I professed my feelings for Rachel and the moment fell flat, then at least I would have given it my all.

So while I worked on my strategy, I kept texting her, in an effort to send her daily reminders that she was still in my thoughts, even though I was a whole world away.

Me: Got to sit in with a new band today.

Rachel: On bass?

Me: Yeah.

Rachel: Very cool.

Me: So . . . those upstanding college boys keeping you on your toes?

Rachel: Ha ha. Bet there are enough Dutch woman to keep you busy over there.

Me: The only woman I’ve been busy with recently has been you.

Holy shit, I had actually confessed something over text. My heart was bouncing inside my chest. My fingers shook on the keyboard.

It seemed to take her forever to respond. Had I professed too much? Suddenly I was doubting myself. Again.

Rachel: Yeah? Been working too many hours at the studio? Not enough play time?

Me: IDK, something like that.

As soon as I sent that dismissive response I wanted to take it back.

So I followed it up with one more text.

The night before I left was intense, Rachel. And despite what you may think, I’m not jumping from bed to bed. Anyway, gotta run. Talk more, soon.

Her response back had been a vague Okay and came way late, like maybe she’d had no clue what to say. The following day we resumed texting normal, friendly stuff about our days.

* * *

Before long, I was sitting in my parent’s office at the casino. I’d been home a couple of days and had sworn Dakota to secrecy. But I knew that wouldn’t last long. She’d already informed Shane, which I’d been cool about. He was my best friend, after all.

And despite giving my sister and best friend my blessing, I still wasn’t ready to hear the nitty-gritty. Just like I was sure Dakota wouldn’t want to hear how I couldn’t get Rachel’s beautiful body, soft voice, and warm lips out of my head.

I’d shocked the shit out of my sister by returning and asking if I could stay at her place for a while longer, until I got my life in order. I didn’t tell her about Rachel, not yet. I wanted to reserve that information for Rachel’s ears alone.

If she wanted me, then we could tell everybody, together.

I was afraid she was either already in deep with Andrew or still wanted to remain unattached, but given the personal nature of our recent texts, I was hoping my intuition had been right. That maybe she was missing me as much as I was missing her and would be willing to take it to the next level. To give us a fair chance.

But I needed to be looking her in the eye when I said everything I wanted to say.

I needed to see deep inside her heart—inside her soul. Even if fear, uncertainty, or guilt was hiding beneath those emerald irises.

If I had to—no matter how hard it would be—I’d walk away.

As I made my way into my father’s office that morning, Stuart spotted me near the lobby. Eyebrows raised, he asked, “You okay, son?”

“Yep. Just back in town. . . . to make my own peace,” I said, throwing his famous quote back at him. “To live with the choices I’ve made.”