Tara Sivec - Worn Me Down

Right now, I feel like an asshole. I should have never hid the fact that I was planning on using her file to make sure William didn’t get away what he’d done to her. I thought I was protecting her by keeping things from her, but I should have known better. She’s amazing, she’s smart and she’s a fighter. She had every right to be involved in all aspects of the plan to take down the man who terrorized her for most of her adult life.

The timer on my tactical watch goes off, signaling I need to leave if I want to catch my flight. In order for me to get to Virginia by eight tomorrow morning, I need to take a flight to Chicago tonight and then leave at five the following morning for Virginia. Standing in the middle of my living room, I can’t make my feet move. Everywhere I look, I see Gwen or hear Emma. As soon as I walk out this door, it will all be gone – the smiles, the laughs, the kisses… it will all be pushed away into a dark corner of my mind so I don’t have to think about it or wish for something I can’t have. When I walk out that door, it will be like my time with them never existed.

This is what I live for – being called in at the last minute, not knowing what to expect or what kind of danger I’ll be walking into… it’s what I was meant to do. It’s my life and fighting for something important has always made me happy.

So why the fuck am I standing here regretting the decision to go?

I should already have my go-bag in my hand and be out the fucking door leaving a cloud of dust in my wake, but Emma’s words from the previous day echo through my head.

“I love you, Austin. Can you tuck me in to bed every night?”

I never wanted this to happen; I wasn’t supposed to get attached. Stick around long enough to make sure Gwen and Emma were safe and then get the fuck out of here. I never expected sleeping with Gwen would stir up a shit storm of foreign emotions inside of me. I never expected to spend time with a kid and actually enjoy it. What the fuck is wrong with me?

You love them, you asshole.

Oh, fuck no. That’s not it. I like spending time with them, that’s all it is. It made me wish I had a different childhood and could be a different person. Gwen was wrong, I’m not afraid; I just don’t want that kind of life.

It’s complete and total bullshit that I’m actually contemplating calling Captain Risner back and telling him to find someone else. I am not this man. Gwen and Emma have spent enough time turning me inside out and my life upside down. It’s time for me to get the fuck out of here before I do something stupid and completely fuck up my career.

William is in jail where his sorry ass belongs, Dylan isn’t a creepy ass stalker with a twenty-year old obsession and Gwen and Emma are safe now; my job is done.

Grabbing my go-back from the floor by my feet, I toss it over my shoulder, determined to stick with the plan I’ve had all along – leave when the job is finished and don’t look back.

* * *

Of course the fucking flight is delayed. All I want to do is get out of this God forsaken town and now I’m stuck here for who knows how long. At least my connecting flight doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning so I have plenty of time.

“Daddy!”

Turning around at the sound of a little girl’s shout, I see a man in military fatigues walk through the door from the gangway with a crowd of other passengers whose plane just landed. As soon as he sees the girl, his face lights up with happiness and his eyes fill with tears. He drops his go-bag to the ground and races towards her. It’s like something out of a fucking Hallmak card or cheesy chick flick. The little girl, around Emma’s age, throws herself into his arms and he scoops her up, cradling her to him as tightly as he can.

I had seen the little girl and her mom pacing back and forth nervously with a few airport personnel while I stood here. Since 9-11, if you don’t have a ticket, you don’t get anywhere near the gate, but when it involves a soldier coming home from war, the airlines make exceptions.

Right now, I can’t take my eyes off of the scene in front of me no matter how much I want to look away. The woman joins in on the tearful reunion, wrapping her arms around both of them. The man finally looks away from the little girl to kiss his woman, telling her he loves her, and apologizing for being gone so long and missing so much.

“Baby, we were fine, you don’t have to apologize. This is what you do and I’m so proud of you. I’m just happy to have you home again,” the woman tells him through her tears.

“Daddy, can you tuck me in to bed every night now?” the little girl asks him.

My heart constricts like someone reached into my chest and wrapped their hands around it in a vice grip. It takes everything in me not to crumple to the floor in pain. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was having a heart attack right now, but I know that’s not it. Standing here watching this family reunite after so many months apart and seeing strength and love shining in the woman’s eyes, I realize what a huge mistake I made. Military families do this day in and day out. They say good-bye to a loved one and they do what they have to do to survive until they can be together again. It’s hard and it’s painful but if you love each other, anything is possible.

I love Gwen and Emma. I love the idea that when I leave to go on a mission, they’ll be there waiting for me with open arms when I get back. I love seeing all the pink Barbie shit strewn throughout my house and I love teaching Emma how to be a soldier. I love that Gwen will tell me when I’m being an ass and I can tell her when she’s being stubborn. I love that they both accepted me in their life and saw something in me that I never saw in myself. I don’t know how to be a husband or a father, but I can learn if Gwen and Emma will teach me. If anyone has the strength to be with a man who has a job like I do, it would be Gwen.

With one last look at the family next to me, I turn and race as fast as I can out of the airport. It’s time for me to get my head out of my ass and go get my girls; I just hope it’s not too late.

“I’m glad you’re coming with us to the police station,” I tell Ellie as I make my way to Brady’s apartment – my home. Funny how quickly being with Austin made me forget where I belong.

“I just want to stop at the apartment real quick so Emma and I can change. We ran out of clean clothes yesterday.”

Ellie has been quiet since she told Austin off before we left. She keeps running her hand through her hair nervously and turning around to check on Emma in the back seat. I know she’s scared to file her own report against William and I hope she goes through with it. When she goes back to New York, she needs to be protected.

“So, Emma, how would you like to come and visit Aunt Ellie in New York some time?” Ellie asks, turning around to look at Emma.

I watch in the rearview mirror as Emma shrugs, staring out the window at the passing landscape.

“Mom, are we going back to Austin’s house later?” she asks, meeting my gaze in the mirror.

I put on a brave smile for her even though I my heart hurts just thinking about him. In the end, he didn’t want us. As much as it pains me to admit it, we’re better off without him. We deserve someone in our lives that will fight for us.

“Austin has to go away for work, baby,” I tell her, not wanting to elaborate right now. I’ll save that for later when we’re alone and I can wrap my arms around her and try to explain to her why we won’t be seeing Austin anymore.

“Will he be home soon? He was going to show me how to do push-ups like soldiers do so I can grow big and strong,” she informs me.

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Emma, Austin isn’t coming back. You’re better off without him.”

“ELLIE!” I scold, craning my neck to see Emma’s lip quivering with emotion.

I turn back around and shoot Ellie an angry look, keeping my voice low so Emma doesn’t hear me even though I want to scream at my friend. “Why would you do that? She doesn’t need to know anything about this right now.”

Ellie huffs and shakes her head at me. “You can’t always sugar coat things with her. She’s a smart girl, she might as well find out now that men will always let you down.”

Ellie is so bitter and angry that I don’t know how to handle her, but I’m not about to let her hurt my child.

“Emma is my child and I will decide when and if she should know things. Please don’t talk to her about something she’s not going to understand,” I inform her.

The car is quiet the rest of the drive to Brady’s apartment and I’m glad for that. I always thought Ellie and I would be friends forever, but there’s a divide between us now that I don’t think we’ll ever be able to cross. She doesn’t know how to forgive me for insinuating that William didn’t really care about her, and I don’t know how to forgive her for falling in love with him.

When we get to the apartment building, I help Emma out of the car and Ellie follows along behind us as we make our way upstairs. I pass Karen in the hallway and she gives Emma and me a hug before hurrying out to run some errands.

“Alright, Emma, go on back and change your clothes, honey. I’m going to put our bags in my room and change then after that we have to go and meet some people, okay?” Emma nods and walks slowly out of the room towards her bedroom.

I don’t say anything to Ellie as I follow behind Emma and go into my room. I don’t know if I have anything left to say to her and it makes me sad – a lifetime of memories and friendship, gone in the blink of an eye. Throwing our bags on top of my bed, I decide to take a quick shower while Emma is changing, knowing that Ellie will keep an eye on her until I’m finished.

I shower quickly, throwing on a pair of yoga pants, tennis shoes and a long-sleeved shirt. I don’t hear any noise coming from the living room so I forego drying my hair to go out and see what Emma and Ellie are doing. When I step out from the hallway, what I see makes my blood run cold.

“Emma? Baby, what’s wrong?” I ask, racing over to where she lies on her back on the carpet in the middle of the room with her eyes closed.

I fall to the floor next to her, grabbing onto her face and turning her towards me. “Emma, baby, come on, wake up.”

When she doesn’t respond, my hands start to sweat and a knot of fear makes my stomach clench. I can see her chest rising and falling so I know she’s still breathing, but it doesn’t make me feel any better right now. I don’t know if she fainted or if something else happened and it scares the hell out of me.

“ELLIE!” I shout, frantically running my hands over Emma’s body to check for injuries before patting her cheeks, trying to get her to respond.

Glancing around the room quickly, I don’t see her in the living room or the kitchen. Looking back down at Emma, I wonder if she hit her head again. Checking under the bandage on her head, I see that her stitches are still in tact and I don’t see any blood. I lean down over her and start places kisses all over her face. “Come on, baby, wake up.”

Reaching in my pocket for my phone, I realize I left it in the bedroom.

“ELLIE! CALL 9-1-1!” I scream, continuing to check all over Emma’s body for signs of some kind of trauma.

I don’t know where Ellie is and right now I don’t care. I quickly slide my hands under Emma’s body to pick her up off of the floor and move her to the couch. When I get my arms under her, my fingers brush against something on the floor on the other side of her. Pulling my arms out, I lean over her and see a hypodermic needle on the carpet. With a shaking hand, I pick the needle up and stare at it in confusion.

“Oh, Jesus. Oh my God,” I whisper, tossing the needle to the ground and pulling up the sleeves of Emma’s shirt to check for needle marks on her skin.

It doesn’t even register in my mind that I should be questioning how in the hell a hypodermic needle found its way into this house and anywhere near my baby. The only thing going through my head is getting Emma to wake up and look at me.

Running my fingers up and down the smooth skin of her arm, I see the red mark on the outside of her upper arm and a whimper flies from my mouth. “No, no, no, come on baby, come on!”

Wrapping my arms around Emma, I pull her to my body and rock back and forth, the tears falling steadily down my face as I pray for her to wake up. Maybe Brady is diabetic and never told me. Maybe that was just his insulin. Maybe she’s just in shock and she’ll be fine after a few minutes. It can’t be anything more serious than that… it can’t.