L. Miller - Gilded Wings

He was fucking me hard. No consideration for my needs or pain threshold. His body pounding against mine repetitively, the sensation of his balls slapping against my skin was enough to make me want to vomit. I was so restricted, so confined. My body was unable to move under the pressure of his hold. His voice let out a raging groan filled with radiating pleasure. All I could do was count the minutes until he had finished. I made a few noises and moaned in the right places. I was just grateful that all he could see was the back of my head. Nothing about this felt good. He was like a savage in need of his release.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

“Morning gorgeous”,

“Morning” I replied,

I felt wrong, wrong was the only word that entered my mind, it was the only simple little word that I could find to describe how I was feeling. The word was not a good enough example to describe the hurt and anguish I really felt inside but it summed it up in the purest simplicity. For me everything about my relationship with Henry was wrong. Over the last six months he had started working more and more, leaving me alone in our oversized home with no job, no life. When Henry did come home for a few days at a time all he usually wanted was a quick fuck. Sex became just that with Henry, simply sex. No love or emotion and I learned to live without it. I didn’t want to feel used and left alone after every session of him pounding against me so I started to ‘not be in the mood’ a lot more. We never had fun together outside of these four walls. I wanted to go out dancing with him and enjoy our relationship, converse, do what normal couples did. But his work ultimately came first. I was aware of that fact when I met him and yet I didn’t think to contemplate what our relationship would ultimately become when he first fired me. Who I would become.

Sunday’s had started to become the most mundane day of my week as it was normally filled with lame attempts to deter Henry from initiating sex. Bombarding myself with washing, cleaning and ironing to make sure my hands were constantly occupied.

“Are you excited about today?” Henry asked nuzzling into my neck.

“Very”. A huge grin spread across my face, it was my sister Alexis’ 21th birthday and she had booked Mahiki for drinks this evening. It was one of the hottest clubs in London. Intimate, on trend with a superb playlist. I loved it there. The best bit was Lucy was going to be there too. I loved Lex implicitly and felt like we were finally having a chance of being sisters again. Mum’s death had affected us both deeply. I held onto my emotions and buried them deep inside of myself, trying to focus on making sure my life did not follow her path. I had bills to pay and Lex to look after. Lex handled her grief differently. She rebelled, fought out and pushed me away. I was the one person who found mum as she laid there completely defenceless, cold. Lex resented me for years for not allowing her to see mum one last time in the mortuary. She was only fifteen when mum passed and I wasn’t prepared to let my little sister’s memory be tainted by seeing her the way she was. Lex will never know, but I wish I had never seen mum the way I found her.

Henry slid out of bed and left the room. I closed my eyes again and thoughts of the tall stranger’s arms encasing me swept across my mind. I felt safe. A huge bang startled me, pulling me from the warmth of my dream.

“Sorry baby, I didn’t mean to wake you, again.”

“That’s ok”, I glanced down and saw his black luggage case at his feet, seemingly heavy and already packed.

“What are you doing?”

“I have got to go away again, sorry darling”. He said it so calmly thinking that this would be the only explanation I would require. Why would I deserve anything more, I am of course only his fiancée. It sounded like a prefabricated response, ready for his mouth to spill to me upon my inquisition.

“Away? But you are coming to Alexis’ party with me? You were just going to go?”

“Sorry baby, I have to go, I have a huge meeting with some suppliers, I would have left a note.”

“Are you kidding me? You only told me last night you could still go with me. How long will you be gone?”

“Fourteen nights”

“Fourteen nights, whoa, this is bullshit Henry, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“Yes Fourteen nights, it’s a little thing called work Evie, not that you would know what that is. Don’t get on my fucking case”.

A lump mounded in my throat and tears began to fall. I wanted to work, I needed to work, he wouldn’t let me and now that’s my fault?

“Don’t start with the crying bullshit, it won’t work on me, I have to go, I will email you when I arrive”.

I stood up out of bed knowing that I was going to push him too far, but at that moment in time I didn’t care. The aftermath of my outburst was inconsequential at this moment.

“That’s not good enough Henry, you won’t let me work. You can’t just keep disappearing and leaving me here like this.”

With one swift movement I found myself falling backwards onto the bed. The slap of his hand against my cheek left my skin burning. My hands instinctively clutched my throbbing cheek. My tears ground to a halt, stifling my cries. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing the physical pain he inflicted on me. I wouldn’t be that woman.

Henry bent down kissed me on my forehead and walked out of our room.

“I might recommend you being in a better frame of mind when I return.” He called from the landing.

I brought my knees up to my chest and clung to them, swaying back and forward trying to hold on to all of my raging emotions.

The front door startled me when it slammed shut.

History may well have been repeating itself.

I picked up my phone and dialled Lucy. I am not sure what I was looking for. Some sort of comfort. A familiar voice. Company.

“Hey Luce”

“Hey honey, what’s up?”

“I am engaged and he has just walked out for a fourteen night meeting away, I don’t even know where he is going”

“Engaged? Are you crazy, I thought you weren’t even sure what you wanted anymore?”

“I know but maybe I am being picky, I mean the grass isn’t always greener I guess.”

“Honey, try and get your head straight and do what feels right, no one will judge you, we all understand that Henry is hard to be with.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tonight though?”

“Of course, do you want me to come over?”

“No I am fine, honestly, just needed to vent, see you tonight.”

“See you then.”

I spent the rest of my day in my studio feeling extremely hurt, the pain seemed to spur on my determination for my canvas and the piece I had been working on for the past three months was suddenly getting nearer to completion. The GooGoo Dolls blared through the speakers. Pain, hurt, emotional turmoil only fuelled on my creativity. Perhaps all of this was for a reason. It allowed me to paint, to feel. I stepped back from it, I was contented. Glancing down at the time I realised it was five. I closed my studio for the night. Tonight I was going to have fun with my friends. I was going to be liberated.

I ran the hot tap and laced the bath with bubbles. I slipped off my clothes and slid down into the comfort of the warm soapy water and for once I felt remarkably relaxed. Henry was gone, for fourteen whole days and I felt a sense of release. Like a restrictive weight had been lifted from me. For those next fourteen days I could be simply Evie, no pretences, just me.

I walked into my closet skimming through the rails of conservative dresses. Nothing really captured my mood. They were pretty, but nothing sexy, nothing empowering. Henry loved me to look classy, classy being covered from head to toe, with not an ounce of sexual appeal. Well as he isn’t here I am going to wear what I want to. Feeling defiant I moved the shoe boxes of old photographs and there is was. My black cocktail dress that I had hidden waiting patiently for its comeback. Hell yeah, I was going to enjoy wearing this.

I slipped it over my head and as I looked in the mirror I felt sexy and empowered. It clung to my body in all the right places. Although it was very fitted it was still very tasteful. It fell to my knee and had a one shouldered neckline. My cleavage and legs may have been covered but the contours of my body were on show, not leaving much to the imagination. For one night I was going to dress how I wanted to. I knew Henry would drag me back in the house and make me change if he saw me in this, but he wasn’t here. So tuff shit. And I needed this. I needed control over myself. Even if it was for fourteen short days.

I slipped on my five inch Emerald green Gucci stilettos and closed the door behind me, tonight was going to be my night.

* * *

The atmosphere of smoke consumed my lungs; the smell of alcohol was overwhelming. I walked slowly down the stairs one by one in to the dimly lit underground room. Music was pounding and the vibrations from the base could be felt through my body. Everything about this club was what I needed. A tropical themed bar covered in bamboo and frangipanis ran along the length of the left hand side of the room. Cocktail menus rested along the bar with exotic fruits placed intermittently between piles of freshly gleaming glassware along the back wall. I edged my way through the bodies of suited men and women in dressed in attire which all had the same theme. High hemlines and low necklines. Every delectable bachelor had at least two women lingering anxiously on their arms. Listening to their every word, trying to sound impressed, using their wide vocabulary of ooohs and ahhhs from their heavily glossed lips.

This was the downfall of coming to an exclusive London nightclub. Women were ushered through the doors as long as they seemingly had the right appearance for the club. Whereas men had to be influential, powerful or wealthy to be allowed through the doors. This only concluded to a dangerous mix of women trying to find themselves a rich man to fill them with five hundred pound bottles of champagne.

As I edged through the clusters of people I saw Alexis standing with Jake. Jake was one of Lex’s oldest friends, he was boisterous and charming with one hell of a sense of humor. The only downfall with Jake, he was a male slut. Anything with legs and tits he would leave with, fuck, disappear and never call them again. Typical testosterone fuelled lust fucking.

Her arms swung around me. “Yay Evie, you made it” Air kissing my cheeks.

“Happy Birthday Lex!”

“I know, I’m a proper grown up! I can drink even drink in America now, how cool is that.” She looked around curiously “Where is Henry?”,

“Don’t ask”. I offered bluntly hoping she would take the hint and leave it there.

“Hey Jake.” I turned and offered him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Looking very sexy Evie, if you weren’t with Henry I so would,” He winked.

It was so cringe worthy but Jake just exuded charm that you couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Well I sooo wouldn’t, so that wouldn’t get you very far now would it.” I returned to him, flashing a winning wink back.

“Such a heart breaker” He pulled a pathetic attempt of a frown.

“Where is everyone else Lex?” I glanced around just double checking that I wasn’t being oblivious.

“Luce is on her way here with Travie, Callum, Mitch and Connor”.

“Wow, that’s a choice of men for you tonight eh Lex” I giggled as she flushed red.

Lex had always had a thing for Callum but had refused to surrender to temptation. She saw him as no better than Jake and refused to get involved with anything one that thought with his dick.

“Ha very funny, our table downstairs is nearly ready then we can go. I have some buffet food coming out in an hour or so.” She looked at me, her brows frowning, “and I suggest you eat something before you start drinking, we know what a lousy drunk you are.”

Jake let out a snigger and Lex chimed in with her girlish giggles.

“I am not that bad, come on.” I whined.

“Whatever you say sis, whatever you say.”

We made our way downstairs to the lower floor after we had been informed that Lex’s private booth was ready. I had already had one strawberry daiquiri and I swear I already felt tipsy, not that I was going to inform Lex or Jake of that. They would only rip the piss out of me. I don’t think they are ever going to let me forget that night.