L. Miller - Gilded Wings

Reality intrudes, crashing down around me. This is far beyond my rational way of thinking. I have a man in my bed, a man who is in any case not Henry. How the hell could I have done this? I ran the cold faucet and splashed cold water across my burning forehead trying in desperation to wake myself up from this dream of purgatory. I had to deal with the consequences of my unjustified, oestrogen fuelled, intoxicated state of despair ridden actions and remove Connor from my bed. Immediately.

“Mornin Evie.” He said in a half-asleep slur as I walked back into my bedroom.

“Hey.” I paused hesitantly, “look, thank you for last night and looking after me, but this really cannot happen. You shouldn’t be in my bed and that was wrong of me for letting you”.

“It’s ok Evie, I would never take advantage of you. I just wanted to look after you. Do you want to talk about your dream?”

“It’s nothing, honestly, just a few bad memories” I paused for a moment, “I need you to go”. I had a look of sincerity in my eyes, I needed him to know I was serious. That he couldn’t be here with me.

“Look Evie”,

I interrupted him. “No I am sorry, I really am, but my life is pretty fucked up as it is and I can’t have you here. I need you to go. Please”. I didn’t want him to go, but he had too. I couldn’t have this moral debate with myself. Rational reason had prevailed. Connor sleeping in my bed was wrong.

The hurt in his eyes pained me. I wanted to take back my words, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t do this to Henry or myself.

Conner stepped out of my bed and walked to the spare room. I heard him dress and walk back along the hall, the footsteps stopped outside my bedroom door.

“I’m here if you need me Evie”, then he left.

I heard the front door close and I knew that was it. He was gone.

I walked downstairs into the lounge and flipped open my laptop.

1 new email:

To: Everline Cross

From: Henry Webber

21st September 2012

11.58pm

Hey Baby,

Just to let you know I got arrived here well. I have arranged the booking of the wedding. It will be on October 18th at Botleys Mansion, Mother has contacts. While I am away why not go dress shopping and organise the bridesmaid dresses. Mother is sorting the caterers and flowers, you just need the dresses.

Love You

Henry

He means next month, four weeks until we get married, is he kidding me.

To: Henry Webber

From: Everline Cross

22nd September 2012

8.38am

Hi Henry,

Are you referring to our wedding being next month? In 4 weeks? It’s a little fast wouldn’t you say? Can we do it perhaps next year?

Where are you staying?

Love me

He must have got it wrong, he must mean next year. There is no way that could be right. Surely?

I wandered into the kitchen and flicked on the kettle, as it boiled I poured some cereal and began munching on my juvenile chocolaty pops. I strolled into the front room with my freshly made hot cup of tea and flicked on the television. Day time tv, urgh, nothing worse. Chat shows discussing who is doing who, who hates who or who’s the daddy…. My laptop alerted me to a mew message.

To: Everline Cross

From: Henry Webber

22nd September 2012

9.06am

Yes next month, what is the point of waiting? Mother informs me you have an appointment at the bridal shop on Wellington Street at 11am, Lucy and Alexis will meet you there, it has all been arranged If you feel it is too soon then perhaps you don’t want to marry me, do you Everline?

Staying in Goa

Love You

Henry

To: Henry Webber

From: Everline Cross

22nd September 2011

9.10am

Hi Henry,

Sorry of course I want to marry you. I was just more aware of the time restraints, as wedding’s can take years to plan.

Love me

I bet ‘mother’ has arranged everything, interfering old hag.

* * *

I walked along Wellington Street until I arrived at the bridal shop Henry’s mother had organised to meet me at. As I stood in front of the boutique I wanted to turn and run in response. It was a ghastly, over the top designer wedding dress shop. Goudy white mock pillars adorned the entrance. A line up of meringue style dresses lined the full length glass windows. The only thing that would keep me sane today is the company of Lucy and Alexis.

As I walked inside I was greeted by the pretentious ‘Susie’ as her name tag clearly displayed.

“Hi I’m Suzie, darhling, Henry and Vivienne said that you need a ready to wear dress for next month. Vivienne has whittled down her choices, if you got through to the changing room you can start trying them on.”

I walked through to the changing room, confused as to how ‘mother’ was picking out my wedding dress.

I slipped on the first dress. Slipped was to polite a word. It was in reality, rustle, squeeze and manoeuvre the twenty layers of tulle and organza over my slight frame. When I saw my reflection in the mirror I couldn’t contain myself. Laughter spilled from my lungs. I look absolutely ridiculous. 1980’s toilet roll cover, had nothing on this dress. All I needed was a poodle perm and I would be ready. It was huge, tacky and covered in little crystals, everywhere.

“Everything alright in there Evie?” I heard Lucy call, “What’s so funny?”

As I stepped out of the changing room into the viewing area a surge of laughter filled the room. Lex and Luce were quite literally in fits of gut wrenching laughter at the sight of me. I couldn’t help it but I surcame to their behaviour and started poking fun at the horrendous dress. ‘Mother’ was not impressed, she was clearly livid with our behaviour and Suzie, the shop keeper, seemed to share her thoughts.

“Why don’t you try on something else darhling.” Susie interjected, trying to diffuse the ridicule of laughter. I glanced through the rails of dresses. They were not me. They were not too far from hideous. I couldn’t bear to fight into another of these dresses.

I walked back into the changing room and pulled the layers of fabric from my skin as quickly as humanly possible. Slipping back into my clothes and walked out of the changing room.

“Vivienne, it was lovely to see you, but none of those dresses are quite ‘me’, I am going to take my bridesmaids and confer wedding plans over a light lunch with lots of alcohol. Do excuse us”.

Vivienne looked like she was ready to gouge my eyes out. Her mouth tight and eyes staring straight into me. I took the opportunity to swiftly walk out of the bridal boutique with Lex and Lucy running behind me giggling like mindless school girls.

“Where to bridesmaids?”

“Let’s go back to mine, I have a bottle of wine and we can order in Chinese, who needs light lunches”. With that we walked to my car and headed to Lex’s.

“Sooooo, and don’t say nothing, as that is not going to cut it. How the hell did Connor end up back at yours?”

I nearly choked on my chow mein, “What, how? How did you know? Nothing happened.” I hastily added.

“Evie, we know nothing happened, we know you aren’t like that but you sure did something to Connor. Travie said he came home in a foul mood. What’s up Evie, what happened?” Evie and Alexis both looked at me with excitement in their eyes. Bloody gossips.

“He escorted me home because he thought it wasn’t safe for me to go alone.”

A unanimous “aaahh” came surging from both of them.

“I said he might as well stay because he had was going to walk back home. In the spare room of course. Then I woke up screaming…”

“Another Dream?”

“Yeah, I was shaking and crying. Connor came running in and calmed me. He ran me a bath and then held me for the rest of the night so I could sleep. I felt so safe. When we woke I panicked and told him he had to go, he looked so upset”.

“He is Evie, he told Travie that he doesn’t know why but you have got to him and he just wanted to be there for you”.

Alexis understood why I pushed him away; she was four years younger than me and understood the need to push away help. She had done it to me for years after our mother’s death.

“He really likes you,” Luce added with a wink, her look exuded filthy, filthy thoughts.

“I am getting married in four weeks, to the man I have been with for three years. I cannot even entertain the idea of having a wild sordid affair, or even leaving him for that matter. For what? Who else would want me this fucked up? I have no job, no career and no family, except you of course Lex.” I added. “Without him I have nothing.” I whispered, “I am nothing.”

Luce was furious, anger steamed from her face. “Don’t you ever say that, don’t you see it, he has you where he wants you, no job, no career, who does that to someone? Huh! He is a spineless prick. You know it and I know it. I love you Evie but this man is unhealthy”.

I fell into flood of tears. “Look I have to marry him, he is all I know and he is a good man, please just support me and be there for me.”

Lucy stood up abruptly and grabbed her bag, “you better be damn sure you know what you’re doing Evie. If you marry him that is your choice. I will always be your friend and I will support you through it but I am telling you, know you’re wrong to do this”.

She stormed past us and walked out of Lex’s apartment slamming the door behind her.

Lex wrapped her arms around me, “It’s ok honey, I will always be here for you, both of us will, she is just worried for you. She doesn’t want you to be un-happy, neither of us do”.

“I know”. I let out a sigh. Deep down I knew Lucy was right. I just didn’t have the strength to leave. I suppose part of me was doing it for selfish reasons as I knew I would have nothing if I walked away. The worst part was I worried that no one would ever want me. Connor may have had feelings for me, but I was not prepared to lose my life on a whim.

* * *

It was dark when I pulled into our drive. I opened the front door walked through to the lounge and collapsed onto the sofa. I turned on my laptop.

To: Everline Cross

From: Henry Webber

22nd September 2012

9.10pm

Everline,

I have just spoken with mother and I am furious with the tone that you took with her in the bridal boutique. You talk to her with nothing but respect. Do not under any circumstances embarrass me or her like that again. I am warning you Everline.

Henry

Bollocks, this is why I shouldn’t get brave with Henry or Vivienne. I find the bond they share a little too intense but she is his mother and I have to learn to live with that. I have to pacify him, I was completely and utterly wrong for disrespecting his mother.

To: Henry Webber

From: Everline Cross

22nd September 2012

10.09pm

Sorry Henry, I am so so sorry, please forgive me. The dresses were simply not to my taste but I could of course have composed myself in a more respectful manner. I will make sure in future I am nothing but polite to your mother and will of course apologise to her for my outburst. Would it be possible if I could pick out my dress with my bridesmaids alone, it seems to be the only thing I can of course get to choose.

Yours

Evie

To: Everline Cross

From: Henry Webber

22nd September 2012

10.11pm

Yes, I will inform Mother.

Henry

The next week flew by in no time at all and I found myself wishing I had just a few more days left of being me. I spent my days creating in my studio or seeing Lex and Luce. Today I was unexpectedly excited. I was going to the new Jenny Packham boutique and their dresses depicted everything I loved about Wedding’s.

Focusing my energy on the wedding gave my life some sort of purpose for the moment so I was allowing myself to enjoy this momentary bliss. After apologising to Vivienne, Henry had allowed me to have more input towards the flower choice and table linens. It was so rewarding to have input into the finer details of our wedding.