Molly Ryan - A Real Disaster

“I really liked him, Sabrina. I thought he liked me too… But he kisses other girls and gets pissed at me for stupid stuff.  I should have known that. I mean he told me that he wasn’t a one girl type of man.”

“But maybe now that he met you he is a one girl type of guy. Maybe he changed… Or at least wants to change. Did you ever think of that?”

The truth was that I hadn’t. I hadn’t thought much of anything except what Nash said to me during our fight.

“Guys don’t change,” I argued. “They don’t know how to change. It’s their way or no way.”

Sabrina slapped her hand on her forehead and shook it.

“You are so damn stubborn sometimes,” she muttered. “You like to think that the guys are the thick headed imbeciles but you… You’re just as bad.”

“No I’m not!” I exclaimed.

How could Sabrina say something like that? Wasn’t she supposed to be on my side? Shouldn’t she be defending me to Nash, not the other way around? What was this?

“Nice, Sabrina, really nice. So much for sister solidarity. Aren’t girls supposed to stick together; you know, ho’s before bro’s?”

“Yes we are and I would be if a certain ho wasn’t so stuck in her ways when it came to a certain bro,” Sabrina wrapped her arm around me. “What made you this way, Lily? Why are you so hard on Nash, Turner, or any other guy? Why can’t you give Nash a chance?”

Tears spilled down my cheeks and dripped off my chin. I wiped them away as fast as I could but Sabrina and Elizabeth still saw them.

“Lily what’s wrong?” Sabrina asked. “Why are you crying? Did I make you cry? I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to get through to you.”

“Because… I lied to you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

“About what?” Elizabeth asked.

It was the first time she had spoken and she cut the tension in the room with her voice. I didn’t want to tell them, any of them, the truth; the truth that I tried to bury a long time ago. I didn’t want to relive the moments in the cabin by the lake or the feelings that I was left with.

“Lily…Lily, talk to us.”

“I can’t,” I said. “I can’t talk to you… I can’t talk to anybody. Not about this. I don’t even want to think about this, let alone talk about it.”

“Well, whatever it is you’re hiding,” Sabrina said, “it is preventing you from being able to move on with your life. Is this the way you want to be from now on? Do you want to be a shell of yourself; hiding and darting around just so no one gets close enough to you?”

No, of course I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of that but there was nothing I could do about it. Once they knew there was no going back. I would be that girl forever. I had to break away from it once and that was only because I went to college. How was I supposed to break away from it again?

I hoped that it wouldn’t be like last time. These people… They’re older and would understand more. They wouldn’t try to burn me at the stake…Or maybe they would. But I would never know until I tried.

“I’m not a virgin,” I said.

Sabrina and Elizabeth stared at me, silent and waiting.

“You lied about sex? But why?”

“I didn’t want to tell you the truth because the truth comes with more baggage than I wanted. I didn’t want everyone to know it about me. I… I wanted to start over; I wanted to be a new person.”

“So what happened?”

I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“It happened when I was fourteen years old. It was the very end of the school year and I was about to graduate from middle school. That coming fall I would finally be a freshman in high school, something I only dreamed of being.”

“Okay, and?” Elizabeth  asked.

Sabrina glared at Elizabeth as she squeezed my hand.

“She doesn’t have to tell us if she doesn’t want to,” Sabrina said.

She looked at me.

“Seriously, Lily, you don’t have to tell us. It’s okay to keep your secret.”

“No,” I said as I swallowed loudly. “I have to tell you… I want to tell you. If I don’t then I’ll just be living two different lives. I won’t be able to be honest with myself or let anyone else close to me.”

I wanted all my new close friends to know about it so it didn't feel like I had to hold it in and feel so alone. I didn't want attention or anything like that otherwise I would've told people about it a long time ago. But it was to the point where my new friends were beginning to not understand me. Letting them know about my secret would probably help them too.

“Okay, but only if you’re absolutely sure.”

“I am,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. “So like I said, it was the summer before I entered high school. There was this boy I met, a seventeen year old. He was cute; you know blonde hair, blue eyes, great body. He was the lifeguard at the local pool and he would always take a minute or two to talk to me when I got there. All my friends were jealous because he was giving me special attention. I liked the attention because no other guy had ever given me any. So I didn’t bother to try to stop it or change it anyway. Why would I, you know? Anyway, one day he asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him. I knew my parents wouldn’t let me so I lied and told them I was staying at a friend’s house. He wanted to take me to his families’ cabin in the woods, right by a lake.”

Elizabeth gasped and Sabrina bit her lower lip. I had a feeling that the two knew what I was going to say before I even said it.

“Oh no,” Elizabeth sighed. “You didn’t go, did you?”

I nodded.

“I did go,” I said, regret filling my words. “And I wish I hadn’t. When we got to the cabin he opened the door for me and led me inside. I thought it was chivalrous and charming. I loved it. But the moment that door closed he grabbed me and started kissing me on the lips. I kissed him back because I liked the attention but then he started to try and take my shirt off and I told him no. He didn't listen though. He pulled and tugged at my shirt while I tried to stop him but he was too strong. He was able to get me completely naked and he raped me. At the end he held my arms down with his legs and came all over me. I screamed and cried but I'm sure no one ever heard me because we were in a place that was secluded.”

I stood up and walked around, not able to sit there and watch my friends’ faces change from happy to horror. This was the whole story behind why I was so scared to go in Nash's house with him. I was afraid to be alone with guys ever since that moment. Then I was finally able to break out of my shell once I started college, but it was still difficult.

When Turner held me down and came all over my chest it brought back memories that I didn't want to relive. I would never be able to look at Turner the same again and it wasn't even his fault. It was just that my past had so much pain in it and one stupid sexual incident with him caused it to all come back.

“Go on,” Sabrina urged.

“Once it was over he told me he would give me a ride back into town as long as I didn't tell anybody about what happened. He said if I ever tried people wouldn’t believe me anyways. And that's what I thought would happen so I never told anybody about it. I lost all my friends because I was in constant pain and could not handle being around anybody. I would just hide in my room and study.”

 “Oh my God. You should've told somebody. You are a victim and you shouldn't have had to take that. No one should!”

“I know that now. I was so young at the time I was scared. I wish all young girls that get in my situation go to the authorities right away. Nobody should be doing that to anybody.”

“Does Nash know any of this?” Sabrina asked finally.

I shook my head.

“No, of course not. How could I tell him something like this? He wouldn’t look at me the same way. No one ever does when they find out this stuff. That’s why I tend to keep everything a secret. I don’t want to be treated differently. I don’t want people look at me with pity. I just want to be normal.”

“You are normal,” Elizabeth said. “This… Whatever happened to you, doesn’t affect whether or not you’re normal. You’re a victim Lily. You didn’t ask for this. Whoever thinks that somehow you allowed this is stupid.”

I was relieved that neither of the girls turned away from me. I wouldn’t know how to handle it if they did. They were the closest friends I had here and I didn’t want to ruin that.

“But you should talk to Nash,” Sabrina said. “Maybe not tell him the whole story but tell him something. Don’t keep shutting him out because you’re scared. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”

“How do you know?”

I looked at Sabrina, convinced she wasn’t paying attention. Her head was down and she was fiddling with her phone.

“Sabrina?”

“I know that Nash has some type of reputation as a heartbreaker but trust me, he’s not as horrible as people make him out to be,” she said, finally looking back up at me. “Deep down, he cares more about people than they realize.”

 “How do you know all of this about Nash and Turner?” I questioned.

Sabrina seemed to know Nash and Turner better than she let on.

But why?

How?

“I… It’s not important,” Sabrina said, brushing off my question. “I just know them, both of them.”

The more she evaded the question, the more I was itching to know.

“Tell me,” I pushed. “You seem to know them a lot more than just meeting them a year ago. Come on, I won’t tell either of them what you said.”

“It doesn’t matter how,” Sabrina said, her eyes narrowing. “Stop pushing it, Lily, okay? Just drop it.”

I opened my mouth to argue but I knew it would be no use. Sabrina wasn’t going to tell me at all. Whatever secret she was keeping I knew she would take it to her grave.

Maybe I could ask Turner… Turner had to know the answer that I was so desperately seeking.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” I said and Sabrina looked at me with surprise.

I figured she was waiting for more arguing, more complaining on my part. I was just going to have to get the answers from another source.

“So are you going to talk to Nash?” Elizabeth asked.

“No.”

The light mood vanished and I was back to facing my own dilemma.

“I can’t. I don’t know what to say.”

There was a knock on the door and I frowned. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t think Sabrina was either.

“Well you better think of something quick because there’s your knight in not-so-shining armor.”

I looked at my roommate, panicking.

“What did you do?” I whispered as there was another knock on the door. “I told you that I didn’t want to speak to him! Now what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Look, I know you don’t want to speak to him. But I also know that you like him a lot and you’re just scared. You don’t want to get hurt and I get that but you can’t run from this forever.”

After the third knock on the door Sabrina sat up straight.

“Come in,” Sabrina called and the door swung open.

My hands were clammy and all of a sudden my throat was dry. I tried to ignore the gnawing in my stomach as I stared at him. Sabrina stood up and took Elizabeth by the hand.

“Come on Lizzie, we have to go get some nail polish and stuff.”

She gave me a meaningful look.

“See you two later.”

Sabrina and Elizabeth disappeared into the hallway and closed the door behind them, trapping me in the small space with Nash.

What was I going to do? What was I going to say? He was staring at me. I had to say something.

“Hey there,” Nash said. His voice was soft and tentative.

“Sabrina said you wanted to talk.”

“I guess,” I bit out and then hung my head. “I do want to talk… I just don’t know what to say. Or how to say it?”

“Say what?”

“I don’t know, that’s the problem,” I wailed, throwing up my hands.

Nash took a slow step towards me and reached out his hand until it clasped mine.

“Why are you here? I told you that I needed you to leave me alone. I can’t be around you, not right now and maybe not ever. You… You make me feel too much.”

“Why is feeling a bad thing?” Nash asked.

“Because you make me feel vulnerable. Like there is a chance that I can be a normal girl.”